William H. Helfand Comic Valentine Collection

: Dost think to win; A man sits at a desk in front of a window. He is using a lamp and a loupe to see the object he is engraving. A moon with a face is visible in the window behind him., Text: Dost think to win some fair enslaver / With that grave face and tool that's GRAVER, / I'll teach your skill another trick / Instead of WOOD to cut your STICK, / A lover never shall be mine / Who might EN-GRAVE his Valentine., "No. 57", Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: A Dough-head.; A young man sits in a chair., Text: You sleepy headed numskull, go home and take a snooze, / When you go to see the girls, they think you’re full of booze. / As vain as any weather-cock, you know not how to talk, / Nor can you take a slight hint, when you’re told it’s time to walk. / You ought to be a baker’s boy, for now wherever you go, / The girls all laugh at such a calf, and say your head is dough., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.

: A Dutchman.; A man with a beard smokes a long pipe. The text mocks the man for his accent and incomplete command of English, and for his dirty, crowded living situation., Text: Smoking your pipe, your likeness is here, / Mine Sour Krout friend, mid der larger bier, / In vone small room, yourself and vrow. / With nine children sleep -- besides a cow-- / And with all these dare’s drouble in de house, / Yaw -- dat is nice -- Nix cum rouse., Provenance: Helfand, William H.

: Einer Durchschauten.; A woman's figure has two heads. One is smiling and says "My love to you, dear ," while the other has a forked tongue and says "Bad luck to the wretch." The text translates roughly to: "Cheers, Sir. Oh, how polite, to indulge us with the privilege of your presence, if I see the man I'd like to stick a pincer in his guts." The valentine suggests the recipient's words mask malicious intentions., Translation: "Cheers, Sir. Oh, how polite, to indulge us with the privilege of your presence, if I see the man I'd like to stick a pincer in his guts.", Text: Wohl bekomm’s mein Herr / Ach, wie artig, uns die Ehre / Ihres Besuches zu gönnen, / Wenn ich den Menschen sehe / Möcht icht eine glückende Zange / In seine Eingeweiden umkehren., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.

: Emptyheaded and Lazy; A maid wearing an apron is holding a bed-warmer. The word "empty" is written over her head. The valentine suggests that her lack of brains means she is condemned to a life a menial tasks., Text: The reason why you don’t get on in life-- / Is the Sending of the Valentine to you a hollow mockery?, Cf. Valentine 14.42., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Emptyheaded and Lazy; An elaborately dressed man leans back in a chair and smokes a cigar. The word 'empty" is written over his head. His clothes and the position of his hand suggest he is a dandy. The sender mocks the recipient's concentration on outward appearances., Text: The reason why you don't get on in life-- / Is the Sending of the Valentine to you a hollow mockery?, Cf. Valentine 14.41., Provenance: Helfand. William H..

: A Farmer.; A farmer stands in a field holding a scythe. The sender considers farmwork dirty., Text: You pigheaded, grinning, ugly brute, / Go look after the pigs and the sheep; / For they are the only companions you’ll suit -- / No girl would your company keep. / You smell too much of horse and swine, / For any maiden to be thine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.

: Fiddler.; A bearded musician plays a violin. He is standing in front of a music stand. "Catgut" means a thick cord made from sheep intestines used for violin strings. The valentine mocks his lack of skill and suggests that he deserves to endure the punishment he inflicts on his neighbors., Text: “Music hath charms to sooth the breast,” / But cat-gut scraping spoils our rest. / Morning and night in neighbor’s spite, / You murder time and tune outright! / Your torture that poor old violin, / ‘t’ill the hottest place we wish you in!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Gin and Cigars.; A man's head is attached to a barrel of gin. He is smoking an oversized cigar. The valentine criticizes the recipient's overconsumption of alcohol and tobacco and their poor effects on his health., Text: You pasty-faced unwholesome lout, / You’re always soaked with rotten gin, / And smell so rank of vile cigars, / To strangle you would be no sin. / You’ve drank and smoked until you’ve grown / A dried-up mummy lank and thin, / A sample of the dire effects / Of bad tobacco mixt with gin., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Goddess of the fries; A cook wearing a bonnet holds a pot on a stove. She has a long pointed nose. The Valentine suggests she is too ugly to find love., Text: Goddess of the fries and stews, / To court the male sex ‘tis no use; / Your nose I’m sure is only fit / To make a kitchen roasting spit; / Then cut your foolish ways, pray do, / I’ll ne’er have a Valentine like you., Signed: Pickering., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Group of men; A group of men are walking in the street. They wear coats and tophats and have elaborately styled facial hair. Several of the men link arms and one lifts his top hat on a cane. A moon in the sky is smiling., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Harness-mkaer.; A harness maker is seated in his workshop. "Harness repared' is written on the wall behind him and a crate marked "Beer" is filled with bottles., Text: You wretched old chap! You’re not worth a rap / You can’t sew a strap, so that it won’t snap: / You steal every scrap you can, but, mayhap / The Devil will clap you ‘fore long in his trap, / Old Chap!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: A Hatter.; A Hatter sits at his work bench, blocking a hat. Scissors and a bowl labeled "glue" are on the table in front of him. "Hat factory" and "Spoli your hat while you wait. 50c." are written on the wall behind him. "Tile" is slang for hat. The valentine suggests the hats he makes are of poor quality., Text: When a fellow from you buys a tile / You pretend that you give him the style, / But he quickly finds out when he wears it about / That you’re full of deception and guile. / The shape's out of date, the goods are fifth rate, / And his looks make beholders all smile., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Hearts! at once; A woman sits at a table with cards. A cat sits on the stool beside her. "Huffle" can mean long-winded talking. The cat's words suggest that the woman is wasting her time by trying to read her future in the cards., Text: “Hearts! At once, I plainly see, / It is hearts-ease meant for me; / Shall I gain my wish at last, / Ere my summer sun is past?” / Thus the dark one then replied, / Hovering by the lady’s side; / “Deal, my good lady, as you will, / You shuffle! And will huffle still.”, "182", Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Hic, Hic, Hic.; A woman wearing a cloak and bonnet holds at lamppost for support. Her mouth is open and she appears drunk. A sign on the wall behind her says "Gin." The Valentine faults her for her drunkenness., Text: Hic, -- hic, --hic, --drink is your soul's delight, / And your only Valentine, / Go, you drunken wretch, steep your brain in Alcohol, / You never shall be mine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.

: The Hog Comes out; A man in the form of a pig rides a bicycle. The valentine criticizes him for unmannerly behavior., Text: We never need / To ask your breed, / It shows so plain in word and deed, / And your face so well reveals the story ; / But when we deal / With you on a Wheel / More strongly than ever you make us feel / That here's a HOG in all his glory., Provenance: Helfand, William H.

: A Holy Show.; A man wearing gloves, a top-hat, spats and a monocle is riding a horse. The bucking horse has caused him to drop his riding crop and his monocle has fallen out of his eye., Text: A holy show you are, indeed, / When mounted on your bony steed; / To see you ride in your queer style / Would almost make a dead man smile. / If you know how gawky you look, and green, / You would never again on a nag be seen., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Hoop de Doo.; A woman wears a large crinoline. Two small boys in the background mock her by saying "Hoop de doo den doo" and "Who's your Cooper?" One also places a basket on her skirt., Text: A hundred years ago they say, / Hoops were the fashion of the day, / They now completely stop the way. / Hoop de doo den doo. / As they sail along as fine, /In the day’s most busy time, / The passers by will CRY-NO-LINE! / Hoop de doo den doo. / I’m sure it must be van-i-ty, / That makes you so extrav-a-gant-ly / Dress that all the boys will cry, / Hoop de doo den doo. / “Who’s your Cooper” now they ask, / You roll along just like a Cask, / And getting by you is a task, / (with your) Hoop de doo-den doo., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Hurra! for the races; A sailor sits cross-legged and holds scissors. A large cabbage is visible under his seat. "Cabbage" refers to the cloth leftover after making a garment. "Goose" is a name for an iron, whose name comes from its goose-neck handle. "Nine mean agianst one" references the saying that nine tailors equal one man., Text: Hurra! For the Races, I’m off on my steed. / I’ll lift all the Sweepstakes when put to my speed. / Nine men against One, who would hope to eclipse / A Tailor who’s armed with tapes, yard stick & snips. / I’m sharp as my needle, and not to be done / Of my Cabbage which follows where ever I run. / Tho’ the thimble-rig fellows, may try to humbug, / I’ll shoulder my lap-board, and sit on my rug. / In defiance of all whether light laced or loose / Who objects to a Tailor for riding his Goose., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: I as soon would wed; A man wearing a coat decorated with braid carries a small animal. The valentine warns that his fancy attire will not attract a mate., Text: I as soon would wed a monkey, / As a saucy swaggering flunkey, / Who fancies that a gaudy coat, / Would make the ladies on him doat; / And thinks fine feathers fine birds make, / Though there he makes a great mistake, / For let his coat be e’er so fine, / No flunkey shall by my Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: I declare I am; A woman carries a tray filled with bottles, cups, and a teapot., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: I do not wish; A woman smiles at a boy playing with a hoop and stick. The valentine chides her for flirting inappropriately at and advanced age., Text: I do not wish your feelings, ma’ma to hurt, / But for one old and ugly still to flirt, / And leer and giggle on each man you meet, / To say the least is not at all discreet., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: I know my girl; A women in a revealing dress is sitting on the lap of a uniformed soldier. The texts implies she is promiscuous., Text: I know my girl you’d like to be / Thus seated on a soldier’s knee, / Void of sense and void of shame, / Playing at many a wanton game; / When his knee you sit upon, / Perhaps like this you try it on ; / Trying how his things will fit, / And sure to PUT YOUR FOOT IN IT., "85", Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: I Love a Man; A man with a crocdile head holds a handkerchief to his teary eye. Two women are looking at him, one has her hands on her hips. The sender accuses the recipient of being insincere and deceitful., Text: I love a man that is sincere in all he’ll say and do, / But not a sniveling Crocodile, deceitful wretch like you / Who for any paltry end can always whine and cry, / You ugly, paltry, sniveling brute, deceit is in your eye. / You may whine and do your best at which we only laugh, / But let us tell you love’s too old to be thus caught by chaff., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: I send you; A woman in a bulky coat stands with her hands in her pockets. The sender suggests the sketch presents a a true and less flattering likeness, which ought to correct the recipient's conceited attitude., Text: I send you my dearest a sketch of your Phiz, / Just look in the glass and you’ll find it, / ‘Tis so true you’ll admit ‘tis not meant for a Quiz, / It may cure your conceit, so pray mind it., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: I vow to me; A Bricklayer wearing a smock and paper hat stands beside a wall and holds a trowel., Text: I vow to me it would be torture / To wed with one besmear’d with mortar; / In blessed singleness I’ll pine, / Rather than be your Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: If My Passion; A woman wearing a flowered bonnet holds a fold of her dress in her hand. Her shoes, undergarments and crinoline are visible below her dress., Text: If my passion I ever declare, / Your heart I should like to possess; / But alas! You’ve so little to spare, / All being devoted to dress., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: If My Passion; An elaborately dressed woman holds the folds of her skirt. Her shoes and crinoline are visible beneath the skirt., Text: If my passion I ever declare, / Your heart I should like to possess; / But alas! You’ve so little to spare, / All being devoted to dress., Cf. Valentines 15.13, 15.15, 15.16., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: If My Passion; A woman with an elaborate hairstyle carries a parasol. In the other hand, she holds her voluminous skirt. Her petticoat and the tassles on her boots are visible beneath her skirt., Text: If my passion I ever declare, / Your heart I should like to possess; / But alas! You’ve so little to spare, / All being devoted to dress., Cf. Valentines 15.13, 15.14, 15.16., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: If My Passion; A woman carrying a parasol walkes by an enclosed garden. She is holding the front of her skirt up to reveal lacy undergarment beneath it., Text: If my passion I ever declare, / Your heart I should like to possess; / But alas! You’ve so little to spare, / All being devoted to dress., Cf. Valentines 15.13, 15.14, 15.15., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Ill looking, ill conditioned; A man holding a piece of rope stands over a woman with a black eye who is kneeling on the floor. On the wall behind them is a clock with a disapproving face. The sender criticizes the recipient's brutish behavior in beating his wife and suggests that many of the neighbors share his opinion., Text: Ill looking, ill conditioned Brute, / What punishment your crime will suit, / That coward from I’d naked strip, / And put in each neighbour’s hand a whip / To hunt you as they would a beast, / From North to South, From West to East, / Until you knelt at spousy’s feet, / Humbly for pardon to entreat., "199", Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Innocent A MEWS MEANT.; Two cats are on a tiled roof. One has a woman's head. Behind the roof is a man with a face. "To go upon the tiles" means to embark on a drinking or sexual adventure. The valentine accuses the woman of indulging her passions in excess., Text: You love to go upon the Tiles, / To exercise your wanton wiles; / Nowhere will you find your match / In coming up unto the SCRATCH., "No. 141", Provenance: Helfand, Wiliam H..

: It's evident; The angry woman beats her philandering lover with a broom as he lies across her lap. A speech balloon by her head reads " HOW DARE YOU PLAY WITH THE SERVANT?" as he cries, "Oh! Oh!", Text: It’s evident, my angry fair, / Whate’er your wrongs, How much you (bare) bear; / Tho’ I would rather not be sharing / My lot with one who’s so for bareing; / Such wives as thee who ever’s got ‘em, / Will find they’re very bad at BOTTOM! / So I for my part would decline. / Such a very STRIKING Valentine., Cf. Valentines 1.19, 1.20., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: It's Time You Were Married.; An older woman stands with her hands over her heart. The bottom of her dress is shaped like an upside down heart and has the words "To Let" on it. Next to her is a sign that says "A heart wanted." A Hoosier is a resident of the state of Indiana., Text: You’re forty, if you are a day, / And yet no husband comes your way. / It is too bad that such a face / Should live alone in such a place. /Take in your sign, and get thee West,-- / There aged maidens thrive the best. / For Hoosiers, when they seek a pal, / Are all content if she’s a gal., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Jeweler.; A jeweler sits at his bench, repairing a watch. On the wall behind him is a sign that says "Jeweler reparing done" and several clocks. The clocks' faces do not all show the same time., Text: A crowbar, or pickaxe, a more fitting tool / Would be in your hands, you ridiculous fool; / Can anyone be so stupidly green, / As to give you his watch, or his clock, to clean? / The chances are great that ‘twill need more repair, / Than before it had been put into your care., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: A Jumping-Jack; A man has the form of a jumping-jack toy. The valentine suggests the recipient is good for little else than to watch others., Text: A Jumping-Jack upon a pole / Would be for you a fitting role: / Some one ought to take and fix you / On a rod this way, you stick, you! / Then you’d have your proper station, / One you’d fill to admiration., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Just A Little Flattered; A man stands in front of a fence smoking a cigar. He wears a fez and a pocket watch. The valentine suggests he is overly impressed with his physical appearance., Text: Why, here’s your portrait ready done, / Now don’t suppose I’m making fun. / ‘Tis like as like you must admit; / I’m sure you’ll highly value it., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Kissed the Minister; A tall woman is kissing a short, moustached man. Behind her on a table are a bokk markeds "Hymns" and another marked "Bible". The valentine asserts that this is not the first time the woman has kissed a minister and that when his wife heard about it before, she tore out the woman's hair, which is why she wears a wig. The valentine cautions that if she repeats this behavior, she can expect to lose this wig as well., Text: Don’t look so pious, madam, / We’ve heard of you before, / You kissed the little minister / Behind his study door; / And when his wife heard of it, / The row ensued was big, / And that is how you came to wear / That little curled-up wig. Now pray be careful what you do, / Or you will lose your nice wig too., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Leering, drunken, dissipated; A bricklayer with a hod on his shoulder is mounting a ladder. The valentine warns the recipient that his concumption of alcohol is interfering with his job. It plays on the word "drop" as a synonym for liquour, then to refer to the possibility that he might fall from his ladder under the influence of alchohol and finally that his drunken ways may get him into trouble with the law and then be hanged., Text: Leering, drunken, dissipated, / Oft I see you elevated, / Not alone upon the ladder, / But in a way that is much sadder, / Your fondness for a “DROP” is such / That you may get a DROP too much / By falling from the ladder top, / Or at the gallows “take a drop.” / A fate that doubtless will be thine, / So, go, be hanged! my Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

: Like the Lamp; A lamplighter mounts a ladder to light a street lamp. A hand tugs on his shirt, which is protruding from the seat of his pants."To get one's shirt out" means to get angry., Text: Like the Lamp you tend, ‘tis said, / You’re rather LIGHT about the HEAD, / One thing certain is that most / Don’t know which is the greatest Post, / Now don’t be angry that I flout, / For I see your SHIRT IS GETTING OUT., Provenance: Helfand, William H..

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