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- A woman wears a dress with a large bow, gloves and a hat and carries an umbrella. The valentine criticizes her for talking too loudly., Text: In girls of these progressive days / A little boldness we expect, / And, when within due bounds it’s kept, / Not many will object: / But, o’er all bounds you go so far / With your loud ways, and saucy face, / That every one’s disgusted with / Your lack of womanly grace., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A machinist wearing an apron stands at his work bench. A variety of tools are visible on his bench and on the wall behind him. The sender suggests the recipient does shoddy work., Text: Folks say, Sir Machinist, who have your course watched, / That no job you e’er tackled came from you unbotched. / If you’re really an expert, a machine I can mention / To which it would pay you to give your attention; / I mean your own head; for, to this I would swear, / Its wheels must be terribly out of repair., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man with a large heart-shaped head holds a portrait of a woman. His torso is also in the shape of a heart. The valentine suggests he drowns his sorrows in alcohol., Text: Dismal, doleful, in thy tears-- / You have not smiled for twenty years, / Except when gin bars were in sight, / And then you smiled both day and night! / Your face reminds one of a lizard-- / Your heart—you only have a gizzard-- / And as for ears, mankind can see / A donkey’s ears were put on thee! / To show you up, we’ll get some hay, / And let the neighbors hear you bray!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table. A bag of money sits on the table behind him and his head is covered with slips of paper. On says "Bond" and another "Pacific RR". The valentine suggests not only that he married his wife for her money, but also that the money has not given him class., Text: You married money, then—at least that fact is stated. / Alas! Your suffering wife, her taste was vitiated. / Oh! The poor maids should wed whoever fate doth show them. / They seldom marry equals, and often those below them. / You needn’t put on airs, and show your shapeless feet, / For if you found your level, you’d be sweeping in the street. / We can always tell a man, no matter how he feels, / And if he is a donkey he always shows his heels., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- An older woman with a large nose is looking inside an envelope. The valentine warns that others have noticed her intrusions., Text: Sly old peeper, mischief making, / Take care now whose note you’re taking; / We’ve found you out, and so despise you, / And send this warning to advise you., Cf. Valentine 6.28, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A woman with glasses and a bun is sewing bonnets. The valentine suggests she is unattractive to suitors and will be an old maid, so she should focus on her millinery., Text: Miss bonnet-builder, such a guy I never saw before, / Your bonny hair is a knob behind, your nose a knob before, / That your head’s a bonnet-block that of it maybe said, / Who would ever have a Valentine that is a blockhead, / So drop the thoughts of Valentines and attends to bonnet shapes, / For you are built for an old maid, in future to lead apes., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
- A woman with glasses and a bun is sewing bonnets. The valentine suggests she is unattractive to suitors and will be an old maid, so she should focus on her millinery., Text: Miss bonnet-builder, such a guy I never saw before, / Your bonny hair is a knob behind, your nose a knob before, / That your head’s a bonnet-block that of it maybe said, / Who would ever have a Valentine that is a blockhead, / So drop the thoughts of Valentines and attends to bonnet shapes, / For you are built for an old maid, in future to lead apes., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
- A thin young man vomits in an alley. He holds a burning cigar in one hand. "Valambrosa's leaves" is a reference to ""Thick as autumnal leaves that strew the brooks / In Vallombrosa where Etrurian shades / High over-arch'd embower." in John Milton's "Paradise Lost.", Text: Vain, vapid youth, who, with cigar, / Upon the promenade a star / Of manhood would’st appear, / Think’st thou we know not what befalls, / When thou dost make such sudden calls / To by-ways dark and drear? / There, desperate qualms thy frame dismay / And tribute thou to earth dost pay / As Neptune oft receives, / When pale land-lubbers, reeling sick / Bestrews the waves with filth as thick / As “Valambrosa’s leaves.”, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man holds a gun in the countryside. His hat has fallen off and he appears to be losing his balance. The valentine suggests he is an inept hunter., Text: Now I’m sure it is a shame, / You should of harmless birds make game; / But in some cases it is true, / The little birds MAKE GAME of you., "No. 82", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A sailor stands with one hand in his pocket and the other holds a bottle. A ship is visible in the distance behind him. The sender criticizes the recipient for excessive drinking and laziness., Text: Now my jolly Sailor, / You are an idle, tippling dog, / O really will not wed you, / You are rather fond of Grog., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A woman steps out of a door and reveals her petticoats under her crinoline. A sign behind her reads "To the Bank" and a man is standing next to the steps. The valentine suggests that the sight of her legs is embarassing to the people around her., Text: Oh! Daughter of fair mother Eve, / Your brothers all you sorely greive, / And give us each exceeding pain / To witness thus the curse of Cain. / ‘Tis surely not a modest sight / To have the legs thus brought to light., Provenance: Hlefand, William H..
- A coachman wearing a hat and coat with epaulets stands by a carriage and holds a stick. "Monkey's share" can refer to the term monkey's money, meaning payment in kind., Text: Oh, dear me, you think yourself grand, / Standing et my lord’s door with stick in hand, / My lot with you I would not fix, / For the sight of you makes me feel sick, / Bowing here, scraping there / Sometimes you get the Monkey’s share., Cf. Valentine 15.42, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A coachman wearing a hat and coat with epaulets stands by a carriage and holds a stick. "Monkey's share" can refer to the term monkey's money, meaning payment in kind., Text: Oh, dear me, you think yourself grand, / Standing at my lord’s door with stick in hand, / My lot with you I would not fix, / For the sight of you makes me feel sick, / Bowing here, scraping there / Sometimes you get the Monkey’s share., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man in ragged clothing walks with an umbrella tucked underneath his arm. A bust of a nude young woman on a pedestal is visible in the background., Text: Your buttonless shirt, and ragged coat sleeves, / Proclaim you to be an old Bach; / Pray hunt up some young maid, I really believe / If you tried, you would soon make a match., Cf. Comic Valentine 7.49, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A coachman in an elaborate uniform sits on the box of a carriage and holds a whip. "Spooney" means foolish or sentimental., Text: Old Coachee, mounted on your box, / You look as stupid as an ox; / The coach of Wedlock, do not strive, / With me old boy you ne’er shall drive / So all your views at once resign, / You spooney looking Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man with a fish for a head wears a top hat and carries a cane. "Cod-fish aristocracy" was a derogatory term for New Englanders whose family wealth originated in maritime businesses., Text: In vain you try to make a show, / ‘Mongst the proud flesh of cod-fish row, / Your home should be fast to a rod, / Upon the banks of old Cape “Cod.”, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man stands behind a counter and measures leaves in a set of scales. He is wearing an apron and pointed shoes. Beneath the counter is a box marked sloe-leaves. The sender implies that the shopkeeper substitutes sloe leaves for tea., Text: Original, should be the word, / Genuine, is quite absurd, / For Ash and Sloe leaves sure must be, / At least a new invented Tea; / So Verdigris, I don’t incline, / To take you for a Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man with a gap-toothed grin weighs leaves in a set of scales. The packet he holds in his hand is labelled "Imitation tea" and several other containers behind the counter are labeled "Dutch pink", "Tea Dust", and "Verdigrease". The valentine suggests the clerk cheats his customers., Text: Original, should be the word, / Genuine, is quite absurd, / For Ash and Sloe leaves sure must be, / At least a new invented Tea; / So Verdegris, I don’t incline, / To take you for a Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man wears a top hat and carries a monocle on a lanyard. He hold the monocle up to a passing woman's skirt and a speech balloon says "Dem fine girl!" The sender finds his pursuit of women empty and pathetic., Text: Poor addle headed empty ass, / Prying about with quizzing glass, / Lisping and drawing out each word, / In manner that is too absurd, / Dodging the footsteps of some fair, / Like some hungry ill bred cur / Following a butcher thro’ the street., "47", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A woman in a black dress sits at a table. She holds a handkerchief to her eyes and is crying. There is an open bottle and a glass on the table and "Gammon" is written on the wall behind her. Gammon means nonsense and suggests that her grief is insincere., Text: Poor widow wooding for the loss, / Of one you’ll ne’er forget / And yet the thought my mind will cross, / That you are TO BE LET. / But in you no charm I see, / And therefore frankly own, / That all the chance you have with me, / Is to be LET alone., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A poulterer stands in a door in his shop wearing an apron. In one hand he holds a bird a knife in the other. Several dead birds are hanging up, while several live birds are in a cage, and a chest is filled with eggs., Text: The Poulterer surely is the man; / To please the fair if any can, / He tries as far as he is able, / To suit their taste and grace their table. / But tho’ good-will formed all he’s gained, / There’s One whose smile could he obtain, / He’d ever anxious be to prove, / His wish to please as well as Love., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A girl stands with her hands on her hips. Her face is covered in bandages. The valentine suggests the injuries might be self-inflicted., Text: Pray tell me, miss, how came you by them? / Are they cuts or scratches? / Or are they beauty-spots—good gracious! / All those awful patches?, "392", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man wearing ice skates has multiple pairs of legs, which indicate that they are moving quickly. Four men observe him. "Monkey shines" means monkey-like antics., Text: Brisk as a flea, as lightning flashes, / Quickly you make grasshopper dashes-- / Hic, presto, change! Now here, now there; / We cannot find you anywhere-- / But know a fool is in the middle, / And thus I solve your icy riddle. / From those that cut up monkey shines, / We do not choose our Valentines., Cf. Valentine 8.36, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A woman in a long dress is standing by an icy pond. She crosses her arms and looks down at the ground. The sender citicizes the recipeint for lacking warmth and being overly concerned with propriety., Text: You’re very nice though somewhat old, / And I should say you’re rather cold, / Your looks a penny ice would freeze, / Or cause an Esquimaux to sneeze., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A boy wearing a cap and short jacket is smoking. He stands in front of a house. His toes are turned in and his elbows stick out. The valentine criticizes the recipient for smoking and having a ridiculous appearance., Text: Pug-nosed smoking boy, look here, / How quaint your visage, and how queer, / With turned in knees, and turned in toes, / Rach little boy cries “There he goes.” / And so you may, my little man, / Try all you think, do all you can / Mixture of man, and boy, and swine, / Now don’t you think you look divine?, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A woman holds a hat and stands in front of a display of fabric. The valentine suggests that the recipient is promiscuous with her customers., Text: Read this, my good woman and don’t think it hard, / When you let out your ribbons and love by the yard; / I’m fond of a roller, sometimes it is true, / But I don’t care a pin for a roller from you. / And in temper and passion we plainly may tell, / If we grant you a yard, you’ll be taking an ell. / So adieu, Mrs. Huckaback, here I must stop, / For I love not a beauty who smells of the shop., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- An older woman leans on a counter. A dog sits on its hind legs on the other dise of the counter. A sign says "All kinds of fancy goods". The valentine suggests that her ill-temper makes he unfit to serve customers or attract a husband., Text: You ill-tempered maid, old age is creeping o’er you, / And you ill-treat the folks, who come to buy from you / Your restless tongue’s abuse, is sharper than a burr, / And you’re only fit to wait, upon some stupid cur. / Nobody will buy from you, and he who’s your boss, / Should send you off at once, and save a further loss., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A school master holds a student by his hair and prepares to hit his backside with a twig broom. A donkey is drawn on the blackboard in the background., Text: A MODEL School Master you are, there’s no doubt, / Some put knowledge in, but you beat it all out; / With your lunatic whipping, your kicks and your thumps, / You can bring out an ape’s phrenological bumps; / And if you’re promoted to suit able schools, / It should be a college of asses and mules., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man with a sheep's head kneels and clasps his hands together. He has a basket full of flowers over one arm. "Pap" is a food for small children., Text: Pray don’t kneel to me with flowers sweet and rare, / With basket on your arm, Sheep-face that you are- / How can you think a maiden like myself, / Could have one thought of thee, simple love-sick elf! / Go home unto your mammy, sit upon her lap, / She will feed her baby on soda-bisuit pap., Cf. Comic Valentine, 9.41, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A boy lies on his stomach with his heels in the air underneath a tree. The sun is high in the sky and a hoe is lying on the ground next to the boy, suggesting he is neglecting farming duties., Text: You are the biggest fraud on earth, / A lazy, loafing lout, / A big mistake was at your birth-- / Oh! That your ma was out! / Such shirks as you should be caught up, / And sent around the horn, / Or an inquest held on all of you, / Before you e’er were born-- / Oh! How we hope that some fine day, / You may dry up and blow away., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A woman in an elaborate outfit smiles and puts one hand on her hip. Her smile reveals gaps in her teeth. The valentien suggests she has an inlfated opinion of herself., Text: In cheap, dinky togs, which you think very fine, / You try every Sunday to cut a big shine; / Of style or of beauty you’ve nothing to speak, / But you make up your shortage with plenty of cheek. / Perhaps you imagine that people you meet / Don’t know what you are as you walk down the street; / If so, you’re in error to think them so green, / For you’re known for a Shop Girl as soon as you’re seen., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man is watching a woman through a window. He has spilled a pail of water. The valentine criticizes him for paying attention to the woman and not to his work., Text: The sight of a Boddice, or few stray curls, / Sets your mouth watering after the Girls, / While you are staring with lecherous eyes / Your blundering movements your pail will capsize, / Splashing and pouring all into the street, / Making the passers by white as a sheet; / While you get the sack, as truly you luck it / Deserves for so stupidly kicking the Bucket., "117", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A woman rides a bicycle. The Sun is visible in the background, wearing a wide smile. The valentine suggests the woman look ridiculous riding the bicycle., Text: The Sun in his daily journey / Must gaze on queer sights many, / But I’m sure that on your Cycle / Are quite as queer as any. / Absurd enough you were always / To take away folk’s breath, / But now there’s really danger / You’ll make them laugh to death., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A man and a woman are seated, each holding a small child. The woman is wiping one child's rear end, while the second child is urinating on his father, who pinches his nose against the smell., Text: Since you’ve had children you’ve began / To be indeed an all-ter’d (TIED) man, / “How happy could I be with either, / Were the other young screamer away, / But while they both s—t me together, / From the stink I can’t get all the day., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
- A harness maker sits on a bench and works on a harness on his lap. There are saddles hanging on the wall behind him., Text: Sleepy looking harness maker, /What girl would ever let you take her / For a wife, and thus to be / Saddled by such a thing as thee, / Of leather you so stink ‘tis true / That I should like to leather you, / To saddle an ass as if ‘twere my pleasure / Why I would send to take they measure., "150", Provenance: Helfand, William H..