The valentine depicts a Union general standing by a table. Casting a glance over his shoulder, he writes "Despatch [i.e. dispatch] No. 10,000" on a piece of paper. The sender criticizes the recipient's competency as a military leader., Text: Oh high and mighty general, I don't know where your match is. / Especially as regards the manufacture of dispatches; / In every one's opinion, you would make a first rate clerk / Who would have to do much thinking, and but very little work. / You had better take a friend's advice, resign your situation, / Or your general imbelicity will bring general indignation., "527", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The first line quotes from Charles Carroll Sawyer's Civil War ballad, "When this cruel war is over." The valentine shows a Union soldier lighting his cigarette from a bomb as bombs fly in the background behind him. The piece has an embossed border. The valentine satirizes the purported bravery of the volunteers by showing them as foolish., Text: "When this cruel war is over," And our noble Volunteers / home return to live in clover / Shan't we have good times, my dears? Honor to the heroes, who by / Their brave deeds us captivate, / Thank of all the kisses ruby / That upon their coming wait!, Variant of Valentine 2.8 and Valentine 2.10., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A simian-faced Union soldier rides on a horse., Text: To Mars, the soldier's god of war, / You may perform your duty, / But you too great a blockhead are, / For Venus, queen of beauty., "462", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man and a woman sit at a table together, and her arm is around his shoulder. Both hold drinks, and her skirt billows to reveal her legs. A street sign points left and reads "Free Country." The valentine criticizes the recipient for pretending to be a soldier in order to pimp., Text: 'Tis such as you, that every day, / We meet in uniform quite gay, / Who boldly claim an honest mission, / But have no officer's commission, / Recruiting soon a goodly number, / You sell them, like the thief his plunder, / And spend your gold in drunken raids, / In beer saloons, with baser maids., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A cavalryman in a hat and uniform rides a thin, large-headed horse. He has a sword in a scabbard, but it is upside down and far away from his body., Text: When mounted astride of your Pegasus, / No doubt that you can fight like blazes; / Do but your duty and don't repine, / "Charge," you shall be my Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier wears a Zouave uniform and holds two pistols out. He has a pistol tucked into his belt, and his sword scabbard hangs away from his body. A smoking cannonball lies between his feet and a bullet is near his head., Text: Hero! how my fond heart doats / On your trowser petticoats; / On your leggins, tight and trim; / On your cap without a brim; / On your lip of hair prolific, -- / Arab-Yankee-- you're terrific! / There's a wild light in your eye--/ Is it valor? Is it rye? / O! beware of whisky-skin, / Brains go out as that goes in. / Sober keep, and by the Nine! / You shall be my Valentine., Cf. Valentine 13.45., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Zouave Union soldier holds out two pistols and has a sword on his back. A cannonball is between his legs, and bullet is near his forehead., Text: Your tales fiery Zou-zou must surely amuse us / Picking up lighted shells to spit on their fuses / Catching balls in your hands and returning them home / I certainly own are marvelously some., Cf. Valentine 11.48., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The soldier stands with his hand on his chin. His chest is puffed up, and his jacket forms a small, bird-like tail. He carries a sword., Text: Let others court the phantom-- Glory / Ambitious of historic story; / You seek not fields of strife and blood, / Your feats are for the body's good. / The sword is but the scourge of men, / And not so mighty as the Pen; / Sooner than fight on plain that's murkey, / You'd make a charge upon a Turkey., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier stands in front of a bar and spills his drink onto a waiter's tray. The soldier is thin, carries a sword, and has a large head, and the other figures are much smaller., Text: You may swagger and blow, but people all know, / That you're filled up with less war than poor brandy, / that you never would fight in a bar-room or field, / But brandy could swallow quite handy. / And there's many a door that has a long score, / Chalked down to this bar-room commander, / Who never has chink -- but is ready to drink, / With each scaly looking bystander., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine depicts a Union soldier passed out on the ground with a gun and a bottle in front of him. He has white hair and noticeable warts. "Zoo-Zoo" refers to the Zouave regiments in the Civil War., Text: Dead drunk, and sleeping on the ground, / Thus, Zoo-Zoo, daily you are found; / You would your country sell or buy, / For just one horn of strong old rye. / Go hang yourself upon yon tree, / You're not the Valentine for me., "522", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The thin secessionist wears a large hat and has two pistols and a large knife stuck in his belt. He has an arrow with a skull and crossbones label in his forehead. The text suggests that the Civil War appears to be ending or has recently ended., Text: With sallow visage, gaunt and grim, / And legs-- like TREASON'S chances-- slim, / You wander round as might a ghost / From the foul region of the lost! / Or SATAN'S self, whose pride God quelled, / When he, like you, 'gainst RIGHT rebelled! / You mourn perchance, the tale of dread / Whose opening scene was Hilton Head, / And groan, that on Secessia's shore / The stars of Freedom blaze once more. / Think you a Northern girl would mate / With such a godless reprobate!, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier stands with closed eyes. His nose is a cannon, and he holds a rifle. Signed with a monogram: BB [?]., Text: In battle I'm sure you are brave, / And I know you never would run; / For you're fighting-- the Union to save, / And was born a son of a gun. / Your barrel is rifled, you say, / And will shoot a long distance quite straight; / But I fear at some future day; / 'Twill blow all the brains from your pate. / So I think my preference would be, / Instead of a single bored man; / A splendid back-action revolving nose, / And I'll marry one -- if I can., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The Union recruit carries a musket, rucksack, canteen, powder horn, and bayonet. He appears too small to carry them all., Text: "On to Richmond!" now's the call: / Rally, rally, great and small: / Oh! by golly, how they'll scoot, / When they see you, raw recruit., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a Union soldier standing near a cannon and a pile of cannonballs. He has white hair and moustache., Text: Oh gunner bold and gunner wise, / With reddish nose and glassy eyes, / Although you can adjust your gun, / You can as well turn around and run. / I would as leave on bullets dine, / As have you for my Valentine., "511", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The secessionist holds a paper marked "Jeff Davis/ Richmond/ Plans VA." in one hand, and holds out his other hand to receive paper currency from the man standing next to him. Both wear civilian clothing. In the background, a man in a uniform observes them, suggesting that the military is aware of the recipient's traitorous actions., Text: You are the man who chuckles when the news / Comes o'er the wires, and tells of sad disaster: / Pirates on sea succeeding--- burning ships and crews, / Rebels on land marauding, thicker, aye, and faster, / You are the two-faced villian, though not very bold, / Who would barter your country for might or for gold., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
Two Zouave Union soldiers run among rifles, pistols, cannons, and cannonballs, one of which is marked rum., Text: Zu-Zu, you made a splendid run, / From Bull-Run fight, to Washington. / By Bully Runners e'er so fleet; / Your feats of legs such wonders/ raised, / That every one has stood amazed. / So, Coward Recreant, Renegade, / Your Valentine I'll not be made., Cf. Valentine 11.49 and Valentine 12.1., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier cocks his head. He has long mutton chops and carries a sword., Text: Wherefore with hat cocked on one side defiantly, / Smile so complacent, and swaggering stride, / Passing civilians with scornfulness giantly, / Haunt you the streets in your hairy-faced pride? / Doubtless you think there's a wonderful charm in / Your sword and your spurs and your jaunty chapeau, / But not to kill ladies our heroes are arming, / "Eyes right!" my dear fellow, and charge on the foe., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a soldier spearing a cat with a bayonet. Another cat stands on the doorframe., Text: Oh! what a brave heroic man!! indeed it is pity / No other foe is near to charge, but a ferocious kitty! / Your patriotism you should curb, don't let your fury loose, / Perchance, before the battle's over, you'll meet a poor old goose. / You're very brave in times of peace, with bayonet and gun, / But should you see the foe in front, good gracious, how you'd run., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The Union private holds a rifle with a bayonet., Text: As you pace your lone rounds in the wilds of "Secessia" / My dear little heart forever will bless you / And when the war's over if you so incline / You may take me and make me your own Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man leans on a crunch and a walking stick. He wears a hat that says "D.B. Exempt." D.B. stands for "dead beat," a slang term for men who faked injuries or illness to avoid duty., Text: How suddenly, dear sir, you stopped your talk of war and glory, / When you thought a draft was to take place. But it's the same old story; / A dog that's always barking, they say will never bite, / So with one who talks of fighting, he's the last one to go fight. / There's a very apt old saying, and 'twill well apply to you, / That a man can't be a patriot, and be a coward too., "528", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union solider holds a rifle with a bayonet. He has a porcine nose., Text: Mr. Rifleman, but I would be a flat, / If you think that with you I would wed: / Cheeks put out your eyes -- nose turn'd to the skies-- / Like a turnip, my dear, is your head. / One like you is enough for a bed, / So with you I'll never wed., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A monkey pushes a cart loaded with bags marked "powder." The valentine suggests that the recipient has more in common with monkeys than humans., Text: You're to the soldiers quite a flunkey, / Beauteous little power monkey; / Should you get killed-- oh heaven forbid it-- / The world would want to know who did it; / For when you die, Gorilla's brother, / Where can we pick up such another?, "524", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The doctor holds a cane in one hand and an umbrella under his other arm. Dangling from his waist is a syringe and a bottle sticks out of his back pocket. He stands before two tombstones, and a skeleton holding a pill bottle dances next to him. Calling him "old Lotion" could refer to the cleansing before medical procedures or to drinking alcoholic beverages. The doctor's cane resembles an enormous pill bottle, and his umbrella resembles an enormous syringe., Text: I very much mistrust, old Lotion, / You're in league with traitor men; / The reason why I've got the notion, / Is -- you more Patriots kill than them., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier's head is shaped like a bomb, and his mouth is a smoking fuse. He stands next to a cannon. The title references the fairytale Jack and the beanstalk. The valentine mocks the soldier for his unappealing bad temper., Text: Who'd marry a man with a head like a bomb, / And a mouth with a smoking fusee? / What woman with him her life would trust, / For his head might at any moment burst, / And then, where would she be?, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The deserter kneels, with a dog in front of him and another dog behind him urinating on him. He holds a tub over his head to protect himself from the poker and the iron which his wife holds., Text: You left the Camp of war and strife, / Expecting quiet with your wife, / But you're assailed, behind, before, / You had better leave for war once more., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The drum major wears a large hat and holds a batton. "D.B." [i.e. "dead beat"] was a term for soldiers who shirked their duties., Text: Go it, Drum Major, now's your chance, / High in the air make your baton dance; / Friend of the ladies, let me kiss you, / If you should die, oh how I'll miss you. / My eyes with tears would ne'er stop running -- / You old D.B., I'm only funning., "516", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier holds a long sword and draws it out of its scabbard. The sword is taller than the soldier., Text: So you want to get on McLellan's staff; / The though is enough to make any one laugh-- / Why, can't you see, you diminutive elf, / That your sword is almost as big as yourself? / Though you never will use it, / You should not abuse it, / And bang it about as you do; / For a sword of that size, / A man of your size, / From its scabbard never yet drew., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A skeleton wears a Union uniform and holds a saw and a bag of surgical tools. A Union soldier bends over behind him., Text: Ho! ho! old saw bones, here you come, / Yes, when the rebels whack us, / You are always ready with your traps, / To mangle, saw, and hack us., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The Lieutenant wears a blue Union lieutenant's uniform. His hair is white, and his face is dark with either dirt or facial hair. His mouth is open, his eyes are closed, and he spills gin as he marches. Gin has particularly negative connotations in the nineteenth century as the drink of the poor and unvirtuous., Text: Although you're a Lieutenant bold, / With sprouts upon thy chin; / At home you spent your store of gold / To drink a store of gin. / And, as your eyes with drunken lustre shine, / I ne'er can be your Valentine., "513", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
Two Zouave Union soldiers run among rifles, pistols, cannons, and cannonballs, one of which is marked rum., Text: Zu-Zu, you made a splendid run, / From Bull-Run fight, to Washington. / By Bully Runners e'er so fleet; / Your feats of legs such wonders/ raised, / That every one has stood amazed. / So, Coward Recreant, Renegade, / Your Valentine I'll not be made., Cf. Valentine 11.49 and Valentine 11.50., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A soldier sleeps with his arm around a barrel of lager and a gun resting on him. "Picket guard" means guard duty. His uniform is red and yellow, but his belt is marked "US" suggesting that he is a Union soldier., Text: Who said my lover fell asleep, / Or boozy was with liquor. / He only shut his darling eyes / To hear the Old Rebs the quicker., Cf. Valentine 11.31., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The Union officer stands with his feet crossed and his hand on his hip. He holds one of his mutton chops, which are long and curled., Text: Oh, gallient officer, / With air so complacent, / With whiskers a la mutton chop, / And general [air] so dacent [missing word]-- / I'm sure I could not wed with thee, / For I'd never do my duty; / What could I do the live-long day, / But gaze upon thy beauty?, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier holds a pig, a chicken, and two geese., Text: It's a fact undisputed, you're a soldier boy bold, / And there's no doubt of your kindness of feeling, / We give you our thanks on a cold winter's night, / While we feast on your pickings and stealing., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier rides a horse with his feet are out of the stirrups, his scabbard empty, and his mouth open and frowning., Text: Go it, skedaddler, what a queer sight, / To see a brave (?) soldier run off from a fight; / Whenever you hear there's a sign of a battle, / Your kneepans and toes together do rattle. / The best friends you have they are now getting soured, / On seeing you are such an absolute coward., "518", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
Slouching, the raw recruit, wearing a Union uniform, carries a gun and a rucksack., Text: Among the verdant I've e'er seen / I think you are most jolly green / And if in Dixie horesmen [i.e., horsemen] meet you / I think by gum, some horse would eat you., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
Two soldiers in Union uniforms are shown. One holds a rifle with bayonet and prods the other one over a fence. "Skulker" is slang for a soldier who feigns injury to avoid duty., Text: Boaster of your deeds of glory / When the shot fell far and near, / The only scar to prove your story / Is from a bayonet in the rear., Cf. 2.21., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man sits and bounces a baby on his foot. The sender criticizes the recipient for not fighting in the Civil War and implies that his wife will cheat on him. The verse has the same meter and rhyme scheme as the nursery rhyme "Rock-a-bye baby.", Text: Rock-a-horse baby, and don't make a noise, / Your daddy belongs to the stay-at-home boys; / Kid gloves on his fingers, new boots o'er his toes, / He has fine music wherever he goes. / So rock-a-horse, baby, your mother may roam, / But you'll find that your daddy is always at home., "525", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man ice skates. He has a monocle around his neck and holds a walking stick, suggesting that he is a dandy., Text: You lightly glide in sportive mood, / And to the backward outer-edge; / While flowing now a sea of blood, / To keep a nation's sacred pledge. / Squirm on, poor fool! knock-knees! turn out, / And while distorted shapes you twine; / Hear loud the jeering chorus shout-- / A coward finds no Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A soldier in a red jacket and plumed hat wipes his sword with a cloth. At his feet is a dead goose, and behind him a woman rushes forward holding a poker., With envelope., Text: Oh! valiant son of Mars! dress'd out in uniform, / There's not a hen-roost in the land but you might take by storm; / With drums a beating all the way, methinks I see you wonder, / And now you are the laurels crown'd, for killing an old gander!
The soldier sleeps next to a table on which his sword, a bottle, and cup are visible. His white hair and facial features suggest that he is elderly. He wears blue pants, a blue cap, and a short red jacket, which corresponds with low military rank., Text: Always sleeping at your post, / No wonder battles now are lost; / The folks do wonder how it is, / That with us all things go amiss. / You sleep and snore, cough, blink, and hic! / You're enough to make a damsel sick., "521", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a Union soldier with a long moustache. He wears glasses and holds a pipe that extends to the floor. His chest is puffed up, and his legs are thin. The valentine satirizes his lack of bravery, childishness, and excessive stylishness. "Bully Russell" refers to the journalist William Howard Russell, the correspondent for the London Times., Text: You went to war to see the fun, / Now what the d---l made you run; / You ran so fast from all the bustle / You were only beaten by bully Russell., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier with a moustache holds a sword and fires a pistol. Cannonballs have severed his forearm and shin from his body. "Fire-eater" refers to Southern advocates of seccession., Text: Bullet and bayonet! grapeshot and shell! / Nothing of that sort to you comes amiss, / By the moustache that becomes you so well, / You are quite worthy an Amazon's kiss. / Say, do you eat all you slaughter, mon brave? / Ogre-ish, methinks, / is your countenance dread; / Doubtless your sword is a "Secesher" would halve, / After a bullet had gone through his head! / When from the war with a wreath on your brow, / Back to the North you come-- then, if you'll shave, / I will be yours as in heart I am now, / And in the interval long may you wave!, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a short Union soldier with a large helmet., Text: You say you'd march through thick and thin, / Through fair or stormy weathers, / But I'm inclined to think we'd find / You all fuss and feathers., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
Three men in uniform carry guns. The first and last men are the same height, and the middle man is much taller and thinner. "Hard tack" was a hard bread used by sailors and soldiers. "Jeff" refers to Jefferson Davis., Text: No doubt you fare rough on salt beef and hard tack, / But that is much better than a ball in the back; / So march to the conflict o'er valley and hill, / And if you meet Jeff, just give him a pill., Variant of Valentine 1.24., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier stands in a contorted position with his head between his legs. He wears a Zouave uniform and holds a pistol and rifle with bayonet., Text: Lay low, lay low, my jolly boy, / You're enough for any rebel, / And should they see you in this fix, / They'd surely think you were the devil., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The back of a woman's skirt is lifted to reveal her crinoline and her legs. A Union soldier bends down to look, unaware that a dog is sniffing his rear., Text: You were sent as a scout to try to discover, / If the enemy's troops were crossing the river, / But your eyes are engaged with the girl on the fence, / While the dog does the duty of reckon-i-scents., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man wears a bonnet and crinoline over his clothing while he does laundry. The valentine satirizes men who did not fight in the Civil War and characterizes them as cowardly and effeminate., Text: You enlist! not to fight at your dear country's call. / You keep from the field where the brave fight & fall; / A sneak and a coward, and no force or persuasion, / Could make you leave home, but the fact of invasion., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The artillery soldier sits on a large bird with a cannon for its head. He holds his swab in his hand and wears a Union uniform. The sender criticizes the recipient for having killed many people and compares his interest in the cannon to his interest in his pipe., Text: Mister Artillery, how quickly you fly, / How many poor mortals this day have to die; / With your swab in your fist, and your cannon well rammed, / And your pipe with tobacco profusedly crammed. / Just fly from my presence, and that very quickly, / The sight of your face makes a person feel sickly., "526", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The military bummer, clad in a red coat and yellow pants, has the head of a bulldog. Three Union soldiers stand behind him on one side; two hold rifles with bayonets, and one is drumming. On the other side, an officer stands in front of a tent. A United States flag flies from a flag pole, on which is mounted a sign which reads "Drummed out of Camp for being a Bummer." A "bummer" is a person who avoids duties., Text: He who fights and runs away, / May live to fight another day; / But you did run with all your might, / You did not stay to see the fight., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier sits on top of a toy horse. He wears spurs and a sword, and he has a gray beard and hair. "Dead beat" is slang for soldiers who feigned injury to shirk their duties. The phrase "tainted sore with treason" refers to the soldier's pox-marked face, which suggests sexual promiscuity and venereal disease., Text: A pretty Valentine you look, upon that horse of thine, / But know, my sweet-faced Brigadier, you never can be mine; / Better men than you can ever be, are waiting for your seat, / So throw up your commission, you regular "dead beat." / You never can be popular, for this one simple reason, / The best friends you have got, suspect you're tainted sore with treason., "507", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
