The crusty fellow of the valentine stands facing a flight of stairs. He holds an umbrella and wears a hat. He grimaces and has large, pointed features., Text: You're always full of dumps and vapors, / And playing off your crabbed capers; / I'd die a maiden old and fusty, / Ere I would wed a man so crusty., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The snob, or shoemaker, sews the leather upper to the sole of the shoe. The valentine mocks his appearance, drinking, and courtship of unobtainable women., Text: Now, Mr. Snobby, when next you're at work, / At hammering a sole on your lap, / For the sake of the woman who'd ever have you, / Just commit suicide with your strap. / Oh! wax'd ends and leather! tho' what do I see, / Getting toddy'd wherever you can; / Both stupid and lazy, and shabbily dress'd, / I believe that he thinks he's a man., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The merchant sits on a counter with knees twisted over his arms. A sign behind him reads "LINEN DIAPER." The sender mocks the recipient's misguided assumption that women find him attractive., Text: You pert Counter-jumper, with sick'ning grimace / You smile, smirk, and simper your meaningless face / You think yourself killing-- perhaps it is true, man, / For you'd be the death of a sensible woman. / Oh, yes! you're a Cupid, or think yourself so, / The counter your fortress, the yardstick your bow; / But I'd have you know, my impertinent spark, / You have shot all your arrows quite wide of the mark., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine depicts a man crying, and the text mocks him for his childishness., Text: Pray do not weep, nor spoil those eyes red, / Don't soil your clothes with those soft drops of brine; / Sure, out of pity, some green girl will you wed, / And nurse you as an infant Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a tall, thin man kneeling as he holds a baby. He prepares food on a spider pan over a candle. The valentine suggests that the man is weak and child-like, and his wife is an abuser of both him and the baby., Text: Don't strike and thump him, baby Dick, / Leave 'ma to hit him many a lick; / 'Tis her he fears, not you, who squall, / He trembles so, he'll let you fall -- / Poor, shivering, nussing skeleton, / With cuffs for teaching, when he's done., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A soldier rides a small horse and holds out his sword. He has white mutton chops and wrinkles. The text suggests that although he can conduct himself in business ("exact a charge"), he is a poor horseman., Text: I see your feet are mighty large, / Your nose is somewhat larger; / And though you can exact a charge / You cannot mind a charger. / Your happy Valentine I ne'er can be, / So from my presence you will please to flee., "512", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man holds a woman's hand and kneels before her. His mouth is open, and he holds his hand to his heart. She turns away and smirks. The valentine suggests that he falls in love with any woman he meets., Text: Poor fellow, I pity you, sad is your case, / And, alas! you are weak in your knees; / Whenever you see the merino and lace, / How you wriggle as if you had fleas., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The Union officer stands with his feet crossed and his hand on his hip. He holds one of his mutton chops, which are long and curled., Text: Oh, gallient officer, / With air so complacent, / With whiskers a la mutton chop, / And general [air] so dacent [missing word]-- / I'm sure I could not wed with thee, / For I'd never do my duty; / What could I do the live-long day, / But gaze upon thy beauty?, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man sits and bounces a baby on his foot. The sender criticizes the recipient for not fighting in the Civil War and implies that his wife will cheat on him. The verse has the same meter and rhyme scheme as the nursery rhyme "Rock-a-bye baby.", Text: Rock-a-horse baby, and don't make a noise, / Your daddy belongs to the stay-at-home boys; / Kid gloves on his fingers, new boots o'er his toes, / He has fine music wherever he goes. / So rock-a-horse, baby, your mother may roam, / But you'll find that your daddy is always at home., "525", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man ice skates. He has a monocle around his neck and holds a walking stick, suggesting that he is a dandy., Text: You lightly glide in sportive mood, / And to the backward outer-edge; / While flowing now a sea of blood, / To keep a nation's sacred pledge. / Squirm on, poor fool! knock-knees! turn out, / And while distorted shapes you twine; / Hear loud the jeering chorus shout-- / A coward finds no Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man turns up his nose as he changes the diaper of a infant lying on his lap., Text: Child-like spooney, here are you, / To your own vacation true; / With the babe upon thy knee, / Drivelling even like to thee. / Wretched papspoon, sawney driveller, / Beggard, hound, and fireside sniveller, / Take this picture to thy sight, / And hang thyself by morning's light., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man wears a bonnet and crinoline over his clothing while he does laundry. The valentine satirizes men who did not fight in the Civil War and characterizes them as cowardly and effeminate., Text: You enlist! not to fight at your dear country's call. / You keep from the field where the brave fight & fall; / A sneak and a coward, and no force or persuasion, / Could make you leave home, but the fact of invasion., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man on ice skates has long mutton chops and holds a walking stick, suggesting that he is a dandy. The valentine encourages enlistment in the Union army and mocks the recipient's unmanly interest in dress and ice skating., Text: Faint-hearted youth! you talk of skating, / And call the sport quite animating; / You say there's nothing half so bracing; / There's naught the manly form so gracing, / As through the icy maze to twine. / But hark! your country's voice is calling, / Treason all her hopes is thralling; / 'Tis manlier games men now delight in, / For God and Liberty they're fighting; / From these I'll seek my Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man wearing a Union uniform cowers in front of a bayonet. The text mocks the recipient's cowardice., Text: I believe you would let a man spit in your face, / Or submit to all insults, put up with disgrace; / Your name has become a byword and jeer, / As a poor silly coward, the pattern of fear., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The glazier carries a lattice and panes of glass on his back and says, "Shall I put it in? Marm.", Text: With brain made of Putty and body of Glass, / That each one may see thro' a contemtible [i.e. contemptible] ass; / Saluting each window with leecherous grin, / And asking each female "may I put it in?" / By such a proceeding now what would she gain / For you're only to put in a PANE? / Your deeds are transparent, so pray you incline, / To MEND if you can, my dull Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier holds his sword out of its scabbard, and a cannonball smokes near his feet. "Bobadil" means braggart and refers to Captain Bobadil in Jonson's "Everyman in his humor.", Text: All hail thou most terrific-looking fellow, / If hair and bravery now were always twins, / Or those fought hardest who the loudest bellow, / Thou wert the pluckiest of paladins. / But 'tis not so; vainglorious boast and bluster / Are oft assumed to hide a trembling heart, / The quiet men, where serried squadrons muster, / Enact, mid tired and blood, the manliest part., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector., Provenance: Jonson, Ben, 1572-1637. Everyman in his humour.
A simian tailor rides on a goose and holds a pair of scissors. "Goose" refers to a tailor's iron, and "the ninth part of a man" is a derogatory term for tailors, referencing the saying that nine tailors equal one man., Text: I see them coming -- my prophetic muse / Beholds each tailor riding on a goose, / And when in order ranked I see the nine, / I'll thank my stars that I've one Valentine / Romantic Tailor, ninth part of man, / Be all my Valentine a tailor can; / Little than none, is better to endure, / And for a whole one I but want eight more., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A tailor sews a pair of breeches. "Goose" refers to a tailor's iron, and "cabbage" refers to the fabric leftover from making a garment. "Ninth part of man" is a derogatory term for tailors, referencing the saying that nine tailors equal one man., Text: You stitching elf, don't talk of wealth, / Go eat your Goose and Cabbage, / When had enough, then take your snuff / Nor think of love and marriage. / Ne'er to a tailor, could I my love resign, / A ninth part of a man is no fit Valentine., Cf. Valentine 11.42., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A tailor sews a pair of breeches. "Goose" refers to a tailor's iron, and "cabbage" refers to the fabric leftover from making a garment. "Ninth part of man" is a derogatory term for tailors, referencing the saying that nine tailors equal one man., Text: You stitching elf, don't talk of wealth, / Go eat your Goose and Cabbage, / When had enough, then take your snuff / Nor think of love and marriage. / Ne'er to a tailor, could I my love resign, / A ninth part of a man is no fit Valentine., Cf. Valentine 11.41., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man is a bird, and a woman is a fish. He opens his beak over her head. The valentine mocks the recipient for trying to marry a younger woman., Text: No fool like an old fool. O! for shame; / Pretending to feel love's hold flame; / The ladies laugh at your ogling eyes, / And shut their ears to your pumped up sighs., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows the fashionably dressed ladies man with a woman on each arm. He is able to attract women's attention, but the valentine suggest that this attention effeminizes him, as actions like holding shawls and flirting fans are feminine., Text: At church or concert, ball or rout, / You're always sure to be about / To hold a shawl or flirt a fan; / My pretty little "ladies man.", Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine depicts a man with a dog's head. He wears boxing gloves labeled "insant death" and "six months illness.". He also wears a monocle and a top hat, which suggest that he is a "puppy," or dandy. The border features matches, a heart-shaped beet, and cherubs playing tennis and tug o' war. The label on the matchbox reads "Red-headed matches go off easy," and the beet is marked "D.B." [i.e. "dead beat" or "dead beet"]., Text: Do you think you ugly man, / Because you're like a black-and-tan, / And a hitter from the shoulder-joint likewise, / That on you the blooming girls, / With their fascinating curls, / Will glance with approbation in their eyes / If you do you're much mistaken, / For it's just as sure as bacon / No fighter can a woman's true love win, / But the soldier-boy whose blows / Fall on his country's foes / When the ring is pitched, the battle-field within., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a man with a rabbit's head. He holds a stick., Text: My dear little fellow, / You most make me laugh, / To look for a wife, / You're too timid by half., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The soldier stands in front of a cannon and wears a gray Confederate uniform. Vanity and inaction effeminize him. L. Prang & Co. first appeared in the Boston city directory for 1863., Text: As you stand there so quietly, in repose, / No doubt you think that you are very fine. / You'd rather slaughter ladies' hearts than foes. / I'd hate to love so vain a Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man sits on a chair with an infant on his lap. A bowl marked "pap" [i.e., mashed baby food] is on the table next to him, and the infant reaches for it. The man appears to be changing the baby's diaper., Text: To rock the cradle, make the pap, / Or change the baby's linen, / I plainly see e'er long you'll be, / Much better than the women., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A thin young man vomits in an alley. He holds a burning cigar in one hand. "Valambrosa's leaves" is a reference to ""Thick as autumnal leaves that strew the brooks / In Vallombrosa where Etrurian shades / High over-arch'd embower." in John Milton's "Paradise Lost.", Text: Vain, vapid youth, who, with cigar, / Upon the promenade a star / Of manhood would’st appear, / Think’st thou we know not what befalls, / When thou dost make such sudden calls / To by-ways dark and drear? / There, desperate qualms thy frame dismay / And tribute thou to earth dost pay / As Neptune oft receives, / When pale land-lubbers, reeling sick / Bestrews the waves with filth as thick / As “Valambrosa’s leaves.”, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A sailor sits cross-legged and holds scissors. A large cabbage is visible under his seat. "Cabbage" refers to the cloth leftover after making a garment. "Goose" is a name for an iron, whose name comes from its goose-neck handle. "Nine mean agianst one" references the saying that nine tailors equal one man., Text: Hurra! For the Races, I’m off on my steed. / I’ll lift all the Sweepstakes when put to my speed. / Nine men against One, who would hope to eclipse / A Tailor who’s armed with tapes, yard stick & snips. / I’m sharp as my needle, and not to be done / Of my Cabbage which follows where ever I run. / Tho’ the thimble-rig fellows, may try to humbug, / I’ll shoulder my lap-board, and sit on my rug. / In defiance of all whether light laced or loose / Who objects to a Tailor for riding his Goose., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man and a woman are seated, each holding a small child. The woman is wiping one child's rear end, while the second child is urinating on his father, who pinches his nose against the smell., Text: Since you’ve had children you’ve began / To be indeed an all-ter’d (TIED) man, / “How happy could I be with either, / Were the other young screamer away, / But while they both s—t me together, / From the stink I can’t get all the day., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man stands inside a room with a heart-shaped padlock over the fly of his pants. His wife is peering around the door. The valentine suggests that his wife locks him up to prevent him from seeing other women., Text: Soft headed self loving rake, / This the precaution I would take, / To bind you fast, and keep you true, / If I were wedded unto you. / For if you’d follow every bonnet, / Your TRUNK must have a lock upon it. / So know your fate if you’d be mine, / To padlock’d be, my Valentine., "No. 3", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man holds a child and a soiled cloth. A woman from behind a curtain asks, "Haven't you changed tha child yet?" The man replies, "Yes my love, and now he wants his chair." The valentine mocks him for being ordered around by his wife and makes use of scatological humor., Text: Why you silly mawkish dandle / Type of henpeck’d Mr. Candle, /Who at spousy’s angry word / Tho’ not dead will be in-terred (turd,) /And like a sailor in a sloop, / Will find a place upon the poop, /Do you think I would incline, / To choose a stinking Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A fashionably dressed man holds a cane and smokes a cigar. His bulging midsection and puffy face underscore the text's suggestion that as a "Bloat" and "Wind-bag" he lacks substance., Text: You swagger round, you Wind-bag, / As if you owned the Earth, / But your would-be lordly bearing / Awakens only mirth. / No man who comes across you / Ever fails at once to note, / That in spite of all your blather, / You are just a great big Bloat., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man with an oversized bald head smiles broadly. The text indicates that his baldness is an outward sign of his inner deficiencies., Text: You have got a great big head, but it’s only filled with air. / It hasn’t enough of substance to produce a growth of hair. / You’ve got a smile upon your face, but we have heard before, / You get it from a bottle when you sneak behind the door. / You’re only an old milk sop, and of either sense or wit, / No one will e’er accuse you of having the smallest bit., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man smokes and wears both men's and women's clothing, including a skirt, a top hat, breeches, and a coat and jacket. His has mutton chops. The border features a woman embracing a man; the pair resemble Commedia dell'arte characters. At the bottom is a pack of matches marked "Lucifer's matches." "Guv," or govenor is slang for "boss.", Text: Some chaps are seen / For crinoline / By Nature's hand adapted; / No woman's love / To such is "guv," / Their hearts are never tapped at., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man in a green and red uniform looks into a tube, possibly a gun or cannon. He holds a monocle over his eye, carries a walking stick, and has long hair, suggesting that he is a dandy. The sender criticizes the recipient for posing as a soldier and suggests that he is effeminate., Text: Your swashing gate and vacant stare, / Pleased fools in times of peace, / But since afraid to go to war, / Put off the duds and cease., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A woman wears a crinoline structure, bonnet, and fur cap and muff. "Bombazine" was a fabric used for mourning clothing. The border shows cupids and hearts; one cupid shoots a heart out of a thimble cannon labeled "Love"; another cupid travels with a heart in a hot-air balloon; and another cupid hammers at a cracked heart below a heart on a fishhook labeled "Caught.", Text: Oh! it's well they become you, ma'am, / And it's well they become, ma'am; / You know what I mean, / (It isn't the crinoline, ) / Are they made of bombazine? -- / It's well they become you, ma'am!, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows an old man wearing sleeping clothes and a headscarf. A bowl marked "gruel" is on the table behind him, and he stands near a pile of bedding. The term "granny" mocks the recipient for being both old and effeminate, and the sender ridicules the recipient for thinking he can find a young wife., Text: Gouty and toothless, one foot in the grave, / You would like a young wife to make her a slave; / If you've luck you may get one, and if so, so be it -- / But for me, my dear granny, I can not see it., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man has very long mutton chops and a moustache., Text: You think your style is just the thing / To raise a great commotion; / Get the ladies on a string, / And use them to your notion; / But ladies cannot stomach now, / Such senseless-headed noodles, / They all with one accord avow, / They find more sense in poodles., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
