The ugly hatter stands at a table ironing top hats. "Gossamer" refers to the shellacked muslin pieces that shaped silk hats. "Swipes" is slang for copious drinking, and "logwood" is a type of dye. "Judy" is slang for a ridiculous woman, and the sender suggests that the recipient could only marry such a woman., Text: Ah, now I well know what it was that I smelt-- / 'Twas the bottle-nosed, rabbit-mouth'd dealer in felt. / Mother Judy might marry such fellows, but I / Detest such a dabbler in logwood and dye. / Thought your head is so big, 'tis of gossamer rig-- / All bloated and puff'd, like a measly pig. / Beastly swiller of swipes, what a picture is thine! / Bad luck to the girl who is your Valentine!, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The hatter has a small body, pointed ears, and enlarged head, which the text mocks. He holds a large hat in front of a box that reads "Gossamers 419." "Gossamer" refers to the shellacked muslin pieces that shaped silk hats. There is an iron on top of it., Text: So proud of your flimsy stuff, / A sun and rain shed; / Go, make one hat big enough / To hide your own head., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A woman sews a cap. She has an enlarged nose and a moustache and sits at a table with men's caps on it. The caps' blue color may indicate that they are for Union soldiers., Text: Dainty damsel, time ne'er lingers, / On those very active fingers, / Other females, you make charming! / Make yourself, then, less alarming! / As it is, -- I don't incline, / To pick you for a Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A Union soldier wearing a rucksack holds a large musket and smokes while he adjusts his glove., Text: Head up, eyes right, every inch a soldier, / Pity that your uniform did not make you bolder; / In the rank of soldier boys, then you'd proudly shine / Terror of your Secesh foes, lord of this heart of mine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The bow-legged ostler stands in a stable in front of a donkey in a stall. He holds a girth and wears riding breeches and a vest., Text: Chuckle head, stupid, / Just like your brother there; / Faith, it's a puzzle, / To tell one from t'other there., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man applies paste to wallpaper. A tub marked paste is behind him, and scrolls of wallpaper surround him., Text: You look so well with brush and paste, / And pipe stuck in your jaw! / The lady has a shabby taste, / Who could refuse your paw, / A man like thee who quickly can / Clothe in fair beauty's dress / Her mansion walls, and stately halls / In robes of loveliness., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A woman with a sharp, thin nose sits at sewing machine., Text: You know it is so, that you are but sew-sew, / Yet you smirk, all the young beaux to wheedle; / Though shirt bosoms you pierce, yet a human's no go, / For your nose is as sharp as your needle., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a man with a heart-shaped torso. He wears a green cap, and he points to a sign on his chest that reads " 'Not a Red' Besides!" The text is a parody of Sheridan's "The Duenna." The border features matches, a heart-shaped beet, and cherubs playing tennis and tug o' war. The label on the matchbox reads "Red-headed matches go off easy," and the beet is marked "D.B." [i.e. "dead beat" or "dead beet"]., Text: No heart is mine "for falsehood framed," / But honest, large, and true, / And ready, (when the day is named,) / For transfer unto you. / The red, red blood that doth imbue / Its palpitating tides / Is all I have to offer you-- / I've "nary red" besides!, Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A German American woman ice skates, and a small figure in the background has fallen down., Text: You come all de way from Hoboken, / Mit a schmile upon your nose, / An', I dinks you is a fraulein, / A seeking for-- I knows! / So shust don't skate any more as dat. / But schlip like scheese away, / Un go mit me to de schustice mit de peace, / Und I'll make you mine vrow right away. / Never skates any more, den, bewitching fraulein, / If you would save from de colic your own Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man holds a fork with a fish on it over a fire. Next to the fire are a small sauce pan and toasting fork. A cat stands behind the chair., Text: Mean, snivelling, sneaking, garret bred, / Cat-lick'ed, and shotten herring fed; / What right can such a thing as you, / Presume a woman's love to woo? / Starve where you may, this picture see, / Poor drivelling knave, you don't starve me., Cf. 6.31., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A bricklayer holds a level to a wall of bricks and a trowel in his other hand. "Hod" means a trough used to carry bricks or coal., Text: With plummet and rule, here's a bricklaying fool; / A can's his delight, and a trowel's his tool-- / And just as the plummet consists of hard lead, / Even so are the brains that you have in your head; / Oh Cupid beware, or perchance you grow sick, / To see such a gulpin pile brick upon brick, / Go man of the hod, I prithee go quick, / Your mould is all crooked, your mortar won't stick., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A fireman pulls a running hose towards him and fails to turn it towards the fire behind him. The valentine uses slang and provinicialisms to mock the fireman and suggest that he will not attract any women., Text: Oh! what a "gallus" Fireman, / To run "wid der Machine; " / To "take de butt," or pick a muss / None better e'er was seen, / But do not think a decent girl / As a "Lize" would wish to shine : / Or be unto a Loafer! / A loving Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine shows a man holding a small child in one arm and a chamber-pot chair in another. The child says "poop dad de." A woman observes them from behind a curtain. The name Caudle refers to a popular "Punch" magazine character (Mrs. Caudle, a "curtain lecturer") serialized in 1845. The valentine advocates withholding sexual and procreative activity as a means of punishing a controlling wife., Text: Caudle, though you're a very clever, / As a nursery maid, / Still dear Mistress Caudle ever / Will her spouse upbraid. / Then while you nurse each pledge of love / which your sweet charmer bore; / Have your revenge, and swear by jove, / You'll not make any more., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector., Provenance: Punch (London, England).
The valentine shows a Union captain in uniform. He stands in front of a row of tents, and his sword is in its scabbard., Text: When duty calls, I hope you'll be / Not hid behind some friendly tree / But leading on the gallant line / To win the fight and a Valentine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The valentine depicts two soldiers in Union uniforms, one holding a rifle with a bayonet with which he prods the other over a fence., Text: I was tired of the ranks, and promoted I'd be, / I tho't the shoulder straps would look finely on me, / But when I applied, it was only to find, / The promotion before just hurt me behind., Cf. 10.3., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
The painter stands on a ladder with a paint brush in hand to paint a wall. A bucket hangs from his ladder., Text: Nasty Painter, your paper cap so very thin / Reminds me of your brains within; / Paint thy own likeness, filthy elf, / And be thy Valentine thyself.
A man stands behind the counter in a dry-goods shop. He leans forward on his hand and stares intently, with wide eyes, at the women who frequent the store. Signs in front of the counter read "Fancy goods, etc." and "Bargains", and a sign on the wall reads "Goods of all kinds cheap at any price. Give us a call.", Text: You staring, dull-eyed booby, you think you're the dude of the town, / But there is not a girl who see you, but thinks you a boorish clown. / You measure only the cheapest goods, both second-hand and new, / But the cheapest stuff that you handle, is worth much more than you. / With a starvation rate along, behind the counter you strut, / And long your boss will keep you there, of the girls to be the butt., Similar to Comic Valentine 3.2, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A store keeper stands behind the counter. He has a red nose and pencil tucked behind his ear. Behind the counter are a large number of labeled goods, showing the variety of odds and ends in his stock. The valentine suggests that his customers would be less inclined to be attracted to him than to buy some of the junk he sells., Text: In your shop folks can find every goods, and more too-- / Grass, grogs and grocery; fruits, old and new; / Wood-ware and all wares, temperance gin, / Brooms, bristles and bed-clothes, to draw in the tin; / All things you can sell by the large or the small, / And you are the very worst sell of them all., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A thin older woman with a large nose sits on a bench with a small child in front of her. She holds a comb and appears to be checking the child for lice., Text: There are some people I know well, / Who read of novels night and day, / While some do love to promenade, / And others love to dress quite gay; / But you, my many-wrinkled dame, / Have no desire to be a belle, / And though you sometimes crack a joke, / You crack some other things as well. / It is a blessed thing, I swear, / To have a comb-ly matron’s care., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An older woman sits at a table, eating a large piece of meat. A monkey is sitting on the back of her chair., Text: Dear mam you’re ugly cross and old, / An errant vixen and a scold, / So that betwixt us I’m afraid: / You’re doomed to live and die a maid, / For since your age is sixty-nine, / You cannot be my Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An elaborately dressed man stands by a tree. Two women in bonnets and shawls are facing away from him., Text: Dear sir, having considered your suit, / When to know the result you’re inclined, / You will learn from my dear brothers boot / The final resolve of my mind., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An older woman sits reading to three small children. The text suggests that she vents her frustrations at being unmarried on the children., Text: Deserted old damsel, so prim and demure, / You have lost all your hopes for a husband at last; / When you refused, and you now must endure, / Your old maidish thoughts and regrets for the past. / Sour tempered old dame whose only delight, / Is to tease the poor children who are put in your care; / On them vent your spleen if they are not quite right, / And to vex and annoy them as much as you dare., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A maid polishes a pair of boots. The valentine plays on the words work and play to suggest that the maid is promiscuous., Text: Dirty, ugly, vulgar, pert, / So begrimed with grease and dirt, / I vow that I should be afraid of, / Seeing what that maid is made of, / Tho’ call’d maid of all work! They / Say you’re often made of play, / And when with sweethearts you’ve your swing / The maid is quite a different thing!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A thin man sits in a washtub. He holds a large bar labeled "Soap.", Text: Go wash yourself! You dingy whelp, / With grime and filth you’re fairly blue; / Take lots of soap and pumice-stone, / The dirt has struck you thro’ and thro’ / And if to lose so much in weight / Should make you thin, or give you cold, / Console yourself, for what comes off / Can for manure be quickly sold!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man sits at a desk in front of a window. He is using a lamp and a loupe to see the object he is engraving. A moon with a face is visible in the window behind him., Text: Dost think to win some fair enslaver / With that grave face and tool that's GRAVER, / I'll teach your skill another trick / Instead of WOOD to cut your STICK, / A lover never shall be mine / Who might EN-GRAVE his Valentine., "No. 57", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A young man sits in a chair., Text: You sleepy headed numskull, go home and take a snooze, / When you go to see the girls, they think you’re full of booze. / As vain as any weather-cock, you know not how to talk, / Nor can you take a slight hint, when you’re told it’s time to walk. / You ought to be a baker’s boy, for now wherever you go, / The girls all laugh at such a calf, and say your head is dough., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A woman's figure has two heads. One is smiling and says "My love to you, dear ," while the other has a forked tongue and says "Bad luck to the wretch." The text translates roughly to: "Cheers, Sir. Oh, how polite, to indulge us with the privilege of your presence, if I see the man I'd like to stick a pincer in his guts." The valentine suggests the recipient's words mask malicious intentions., Translation: "Cheers, Sir. Oh, how polite, to indulge us with the privilege of your presence, if I see the man I'd like to stick a pincer in his guts.", Text: Wohl bekomm’s mein Herr / Ach, wie artig, uns die Ehre / Ihres Besuches zu gönnen, / Wenn ich den Menschen sehe / Möcht icht eine glückende Zange / In seine Eingeweiden umkehren., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man with a beard smokes a long pipe. The text mocks the man for his accent and incomplete command of English, and for his dirty, crowded living situation., Text: Smoking your pipe, your likeness is here, / Mine Sour Krout friend, mid der larger bier, / In vone small room, yourself and vrow. / With nine children sleep -- besides a cow-- / And with all these dare’s drouble in de house, / Yaw -- dat is nice -- Nix cum rouse., Provenance: Helfand, William H.
A maid wearing an apron is holding a bed-warmer. The word "empty" is written over her head. The valentine suggests that her lack of brains means she is condemned to a life a menial tasks., Text: The reason why you don’t get on in life-- / Is the Sending of the Valentine to you a hollow mockery?, Cf. Valentine 14.42., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An elaborately dressed man leans back in a chair and smokes a cigar. The word 'empty" is written over his head. His clothes and the position of his hand suggest he is a dandy. The sender mocks the recipient's concentration on outward appearances., Text: The reason why you don't get on in life-- / Is the Sending of the Valentine to you a hollow mockery?, Cf. Valentine 14.41., Provenance: Helfand. William H..
A farmer stands in a field holding a scythe. The sender considers farmwork dirty., Text: You pigheaded, grinning, ugly brute, / Go look after the pigs and the sheep; / For they are the only companions you’ll suit -- / No girl would your company keep. / You smell too much of horse and swine, / For any maiden to be thine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A jeweler sits at his bench, repairing a watch. On the wall behind him is a sign that says "Jeweler reparing done" and several clocks. The clocks' faces do not all show the same time., Text: A crowbar, or pickaxe, a more fitting tool / Would be in your hands, you ridiculous fool; / Can anyone be so stupidly green, / As to give you his watch, or his clock, to clean? / The chances are great that ‘twill need more repair, / Than before it had been put into your care., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man has the form of a jumping-jack toy. The valentine suggests the recipient is good for little else than to watch others., Text: A Jumping-Jack upon a pole / Would be for you a fitting role: / Some one ought to take and fix you / On a rod this way, you stick, you! / Then you’d have your proper station, / One you’d fill to admiration., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man stands in front of a fence smoking a cigar. He wears a fez and a pocket watch. The valentine suggests he is overly impressed with his physical appearance., Text: Why, here’s your portrait ready done, / Now don’t suppose I’m making fun. / ‘Tis like as like you must admit; / I’m sure you’ll highly value it., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A tall woman is kissing a short, moustached man. Behind her on a table are a bokk markeds "Hymns" and another marked "Bible". The valentine asserts that this is not the first time the woman has kissed a minister and that when his wife heard about it before, she tore out the woman's hair, which is why she wears a wig. The valentine cautions that if she repeats this behavior, she can expect to lose this wig as well., Text: Don’t look so pious, madam, / We’ve heard of you before, / You kissed the little minister / Behind his study door; / And when his wife heard of it, / The row ensued was big, / And that is how you came to wear / That little curled-up wig. Now pray be careful what you do, / Or you will lose your nice wig too., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A bricklayer with a hod on his shoulder is mounting a ladder. The valentine warns the recipient that his concumption of alcohol is interfering with his job. It plays on the word "drop" as a synonym for liquour, then to refer to the possibility that he might fall from his ladder under the influence of alchohol and finally that his drunken ways may get him into trouble with the law and then be hanged., Text: Leering, drunken, dissipated, / Oft I see you elevated, / Not alone upon the ladder, / But in a way that is much sadder, / Your fondness for a “DROP” is such / That you may get a DROP too much / By falling from the ladder top, / Or at the gallows “take a drop.” / A fate that doubtless will be thine, / So, go, be hanged! my Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A lamplighter mounts a ladder to light a street lamp. A hand tugs on his shirt, which is protruding from the seat of his pants."To get one's shirt out" means to get angry., Text: Like the Lamp you tend, ‘tis said, / You’re rather LIGHT about the HEAD, / One thing certain is that most / Don’t know which is the greatest Post, / Now don’t be angry that I flout, / For I see your SHIRT IS GETTING OUT., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A donkey wears a coat. The sender considers the recipient's attention to dress to be ridiculous., Text: Look Dandy, pray look, / Look at your Brother; / Why should not one Ass, / Look at another., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman wears a dress with a large bow, gloves and a hat and carries an umbrella. The valentine criticizes her for talking too loudly., Text: In girls of these progressive days / A little boldness we expect, / And, when within due bounds it’s kept, / Not many will object: / But, o’er all bounds you go so far / With your loud ways, and saucy face, / That every one’s disgusted with / Your lack of womanly grace., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A machinist wearing an apron stands at his work bench. A variety of tools are visible on his bench and on the wall behind him. The sender suggests the recipient does shoddy work., Text: Folks say, Sir Machinist, who have your course watched, / That no job you e’er tackled came from you unbotched. / If you’re really an expert, a machine I can mention / To which it would pay you to give your attention; / I mean your own head; for, to this I would swear, / Its wheels must be terribly out of repair., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man with a large heart-shaped head holds a portrait of a woman. His torso is also in the shape of a heart. The valentine suggests he drowns his sorrows in alcohol., Text: Dismal, doleful, in thy tears-- / You have not smiled for twenty years, / Except when gin bars were in sight, / And then you smiled both day and night! / Your face reminds one of a lizard-- / Your heart—you only have a gizzard-- / And as for ears, mankind can see / A donkey’s ears were put on thee! / To show you up, we’ll get some hay, / And let the neighbors hear you bray!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table. A bag of money sits on the table behind him and his head is covered with slips of paper. On says "Bond" and another "Pacific RR". The valentine suggests not only that he married his wife for her money, but also that the money has not given him class., Text: You married money, then—at least that fact is stated. / Alas! Your suffering wife, her taste was vitiated. / Oh! The poor maids should wed whoever fate doth show them. / They seldom marry equals, and often those below them. / You needn’t put on airs, and show your shapeless feet, / For if you found your level, you’d be sweeping in the street. / We can always tell a man, no matter how he feels, / And if he is a donkey he always shows his heels., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An older woman with a large nose is looking inside an envelope. The valentine warns that others have noticed her intrusions., Text: Sly old peeper, mischief making, / Take care now whose note you’re taking; / We’ve found you out, and so despise you, / And send this warning to advise you., Cf. Valentine 6.28, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman with glasses and a bun is sewing bonnets. The valentine suggests she is unattractive to suitors and will be an old maid, so she should focus on her millinery., Text: Miss bonnet-builder, such a guy I never saw before, / Your bonny hair is a knob behind, your nose a knob before, / That your head’s a bonnet-block that of it maybe said, / Who would ever have a Valentine that is a blockhead, / So drop the thoughts of Valentines and attends to bonnet shapes, / For you are built for an old maid, in future to lead apes., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A thin young man vomits in an alley. He holds a burning cigar in one hand. "Valambrosa's leaves" is a reference to ""Thick as autumnal leaves that strew the brooks / In Vallombrosa where Etrurian shades / High over-arch'd embower." in John Milton's "Paradise Lost.", Text: Vain, vapid youth, who, with cigar, / Upon the promenade a star / Of manhood would’st appear, / Think’st thou we know not what befalls, / When thou dost make such sudden calls / To by-ways dark and drear? / There, desperate qualms thy frame dismay / And tribute thou to earth dost pay / As Neptune oft receives, / When pale land-lubbers, reeling sick / Bestrews the waves with filth as thick / As “Valambrosa’s leaves.”, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man holds a gun in the countryside. His hat has fallen off and he appears to be losing his balance. The valentine suggests he is an inept hunter., Text: Now I’m sure it is a shame, / You should of harmless birds make game; / But in some cases it is true, / The little birds MAKE GAME of you., "No. 82", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A sailor stands with one hand in his pocket and the other holds a bottle. A ship is visible in the distance behind him. The sender criticizes the recipient for excessive drinking and laziness., Text: Now my jolly Sailor, / You are an idle, tippling dog, / O really will not wed you, / You are rather fond of Grog., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman wears a large crinoline, a cape, gloves and a hat with a snood. "Bean" can mean money., Text: Of Dandizetts you’re sure the Queen, The loveliest creature ever seen, / Your head so small and shape so fine, / Must make each bean your valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
