A man, one half of his body shown as a white man and the other half as an African American man, lectures in front of a small table. He holds an umbrella with his African American hand, as well as wears no shoe on his African American foot., Text: Whew! don't you know that you're played out? That your occupation's gone? Why do you make such fuss about that poor old well-pick'd bone? Or are you lost, so far corrupted, You can't improve 'till re-constructed?
A short and stout country bumpkin smiles and carries a pitchfork. The sender rejects the recipient's romantic advances because of his occupation., Text: My country chuck, go turn your hay, / And do not put me in a splutter, / By asking me to go away / With you, to make your cheese and butter., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man stands behind the counter in a dry-goods shop. He leans forward on his hand and stares intently, with wide eyes, at the women who frequent the store. Signs in front of the counter read "Fancy goods, etc." and "Bargains", and a sign on the wall reads "Goods of all kinds cheap at any price. Give us a call.", Text: You staring, dull-eyed booby, you think you're the dude of the town, / But there is not a girl who see you, but thinks you a boorish clown. / You measure only the cheapest goods, both second-hand and new, / But the cheapest stuff that you handle, is worth much more than you. / With a starvation rate along, behind the counter you strut, / And long your boss will keep you there, of the girls to be the butt., Similar to Comic Valentine 3.2, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A store keeper stands behind the counter. He has a red nose and pencil tucked behind his ear. Behind the counter are a large number of labeled goods, showing the variety of odds and ends in his stock. The valentine suggests that his customers would be less inclined to be attracted to him than to buy some of the junk he sells., Text: In your shop folks can find every goods, and more too-- / Grass, grogs and grocery; fruits, old and new; / Wood-ware and all wares, temperance gin, / Brooms, bristles and bed-clothes, to draw in the tin; / All things you can sell by the large or the small, / And you are the very worst sell of them all., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A thin older woman with a large nose sits on a bench with a small child in front of her. She holds a comb and appears to be checking the child for lice., Text: There are some people I know well, / Who read of novels night and day, / While some do love to promenade, / And others love to dress quite gay; / But you, my many-wrinkled dame, / Have no desire to be a belle, / And though you sometimes crack a joke, / You crack some other things as well. / It is a blessed thing, I swear, / To have a comb-ly matron’s care., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An older woman sits at a table, eating a large piece of meat. A monkey is sitting on the back of her chair., Text: Dear mam you’re ugly cross and old, / An errant vixen and a scold, / So that betwixt us I’m afraid: / You’re doomed to live and die a maid, / For since your age is sixty-nine, / You cannot be my Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An elaborately dressed man stands by a tree. Two women in bonnets and shawls are facing away from him., Text: Dear sir, having considered your suit, / When to know the result you’re inclined, / You will learn from my dear brothers boot / The final resolve of my mind., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An older woman sits reading to three small children. The text suggests that she vents her frustrations at being unmarried on the children., Text: Deserted old damsel, so prim and demure, / You have lost all your hopes for a husband at last; / When you refused, and you now must endure, / Your old maidish thoughts and regrets for the past. / Sour tempered old dame whose only delight, / Is to tease the poor children who are put in your care; / On them vent your spleen if they are not quite right, / And to vex and annoy them as much as you dare., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A maid polishes a pair of boots. The valentine plays on the words work and play to suggest that the maid is promiscuous., Text: Dirty, ugly, vulgar, pert, / So begrimed with grease and dirt, / I vow that I should be afraid of, / Seeing what that maid is made of, / Tho’ call’d maid of all work! They / Say you’re often made of play, / And when with sweethearts you’ve your swing / The maid is quite a different thing!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A thin man sits in a washtub. He holds a large bar labeled "Soap.", Text: Go wash yourself! You dingy whelp, / With grime and filth you’re fairly blue; / Take lots of soap and pumice-stone, / The dirt has struck you thro’ and thro’ / And if to lose so much in weight / Should make you thin, or give you cold, / Console yourself, for what comes off / Can for manure be quickly sold!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man sits at a desk in front of a window. He is using a lamp and a loupe to see the object he is engraving. A moon with a face is visible in the window behind him., Text: Dost think to win some fair enslaver / With that grave face and tool that's GRAVER, / I'll teach your skill another trick / Instead of WOOD to cut your STICK, / A lover never shall be mine / Who might EN-GRAVE his Valentine., "No. 57", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A young man sits in a chair., Text: You sleepy headed numskull, go home and take a snooze, / When you go to see the girls, they think you’re full of booze. / As vain as any weather-cock, you know not how to talk, / Nor can you take a slight hint, when you’re told it’s time to walk. / You ought to be a baker’s boy, for now wherever you go, / The girls all laugh at such a calf, and say your head is dough., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A woman's figure has two heads. One is smiling and says "My love to you, dear ," while the other has a forked tongue and says "Bad luck to the wretch." The text translates roughly to: "Cheers, Sir. Oh, how polite, to indulge us with the privilege of your presence, if I see the man I'd like to stick a pincer in his guts." The valentine suggests the recipient's words mask malicious intentions., Translation: "Cheers, Sir. Oh, how polite, to indulge us with the privilege of your presence, if I see the man I'd like to stick a pincer in his guts.", Text: Wohl bekomm’s mein Herr / Ach, wie artig, uns die Ehre / Ihres Besuches zu gönnen, / Wenn ich den Menschen sehe / Möcht icht eine glückende Zange / In seine Eingeweiden umkehren., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A man with a beard smokes a long pipe. The text mocks the man for his accent and incomplete command of English, and for his dirty, crowded living situation., Text: Smoking your pipe, your likeness is here, / Mine Sour Krout friend, mid der larger bier, / In vone small room, yourself and vrow. / With nine children sleep -- besides a cow-- / And with all these dare’s drouble in de house, / Yaw -- dat is nice -- Nix cum rouse., Provenance: Helfand, William H.
A maid wearing an apron is holding a bed-warmer. The word "empty" is written over her head. The valentine suggests that her lack of brains means she is condemned to a life a menial tasks., Text: The reason why you don’t get on in life-- / Is the Sending of the Valentine to you a hollow mockery?, Cf. Valentine 14.42., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An elaborately dressed man leans back in a chair and smokes a cigar. The word 'empty" is written over his head. His clothes and the position of his hand suggest he is a dandy. The sender mocks the recipient's concentration on outward appearances., Text: The reason why you don't get on in life-- / Is the Sending of the Valentine to you a hollow mockery?, Cf. Valentine 14.41., Provenance: Helfand. William H..
A farmer stands in a field holding a scythe. The sender considers farmwork dirty., Text: You pigheaded, grinning, ugly brute, / Go look after the pigs and the sheep; / For they are the only companions you’ll suit -- / No girl would your company keep. / You smell too much of horse and swine, / For any maiden to be thine., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A jeweler sits at his bench, repairing a watch. On the wall behind him is a sign that says "Jeweler reparing done" and several clocks. The clocks' faces do not all show the same time., Text: A crowbar, or pickaxe, a more fitting tool / Would be in your hands, you ridiculous fool; / Can anyone be so stupidly green, / As to give you his watch, or his clock, to clean? / The chances are great that ‘twill need more repair, / Than before it had been put into your care., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man has the form of a jumping-jack toy. The valentine suggests the recipient is good for little else than to watch others., Text: A Jumping-Jack upon a pole / Would be for you a fitting role: / Some one ought to take and fix you / On a rod this way, you stick, you! / Then you’d have your proper station, / One you’d fill to admiration., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man stands in front of a fence smoking a cigar. He wears a fez and a pocket watch. The valentine suggests he is overly impressed with his physical appearance., Text: Why, here’s your portrait ready done, / Now don’t suppose I’m making fun. / ‘Tis like as like you must admit; / I’m sure you’ll highly value it., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A tall woman is kissing a short, moustached man. Behind her on a table are a bokk markeds "Hymns" and another marked "Bible". The valentine asserts that this is not the first time the woman has kissed a minister and that when his wife heard about it before, she tore out the woman's hair, which is why she wears a wig. The valentine cautions that if she repeats this behavior, she can expect to lose this wig as well., Text: Don’t look so pious, madam, / We’ve heard of you before, / You kissed the little minister / Behind his study door; / And when his wife heard of it, / The row ensued was big, / And that is how you came to wear / That little curled-up wig. Now pray be careful what you do, / Or you will lose your nice wig too., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A bricklayer with a hod on his shoulder is mounting a ladder. The valentine warns the recipient that his concumption of alcohol is interfering with his job. It plays on the word "drop" as a synonym for liquour, then to refer to the possibility that he might fall from his ladder under the influence of alchohol and finally that his drunken ways may get him into trouble with the law and then be hanged., Text: Leering, drunken, dissipated, / Oft I see you elevated, / Not alone upon the ladder, / But in a way that is much sadder, / Your fondness for a “DROP” is such / That you may get a DROP too much / By falling from the ladder top, / Or at the gallows “take a drop.” / A fate that doubtless will be thine, / So, go, be hanged! my Valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A lamplighter mounts a ladder to light a street lamp. A hand tugs on his shirt, which is protruding from the seat of his pants."To get one's shirt out" means to get angry., Text: Like the Lamp you tend, ‘tis said, / You’re rather LIGHT about the HEAD, / One thing certain is that most / Don’t know which is the greatest Post, / Now don’t be angry that I flout, / For I see your SHIRT IS GETTING OUT., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A donkey wears a coat. The sender considers the recipient's attention to dress to be ridiculous., Text: Look Dandy, pray look, / Look at your Brother; / Why should not one Ass, / Look at another., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman wears a dress with a large bow, gloves and a hat and carries an umbrella. The valentine criticizes her for talking too loudly., Text: In girls of these progressive days / A little boldness we expect, / And, when within due bounds it’s kept, / Not many will object: / But, o’er all bounds you go so far / With your loud ways, and saucy face, / That every one’s disgusted with / Your lack of womanly grace., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A machinist wearing an apron stands at his work bench. A variety of tools are visible on his bench and on the wall behind him. The sender suggests the recipient does shoddy work., Text: Folks say, Sir Machinist, who have your course watched, / That no job you e’er tackled came from you unbotched. / If you’re really an expert, a machine I can mention / To which it would pay you to give your attention; / I mean your own head; for, to this I would swear, / Its wheels must be terribly out of repair., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man with a large heart-shaped head holds a portrait of a woman. His torso is also in the shape of a heart. The valentine suggests he drowns his sorrows in alcohol., Text: Dismal, doleful, in thy tears-- / You have not smiled for twenty years, / Except when gin bars were in sight, / And then you smiled both day and night! / Your face reminds one of a lizard-- / Your heart—you only have a gizzard-- / And as for ears, mankind can see / A donkey’s ears were put on thee! / To show you up, we’ll get some hay, / And let the neighbors hear you bray!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man leans back in his chair and puts his feet up on the table. A bag of money sits on the table behind him and his head is covered with slips of paper. On says "Bond" and another "Pacific RR". The valentine suggests not only that he married his wife for her money, but also that the money has not given him class., Text: You married money, then—at least that fact is stated. / Alas! Your suffering wife, her taste was vitiated. / Oh! The poor maids should wed whoever fate doth show them. / They seldom marry equals, and often those below them. / You needn’t put on airs, and show your shapeless feet, / For if you found your level, you’d be sweeping in the street. / We can always tell a man, no matter how he feels, / And if he is a donkey he always shows his heels., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
An older woman with a large nose is looking inside an envelope. The valentine warns that others have noticed her intrusions., Text: Sly old peeper, mischief making, / Take care now whose note you’re taking; / We’ve found you out, and so despise you, / And send this warning to advise you., Cf. Valentine 6.28, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman with glasses and a bun is sewing bonnets. The valentine suggests she is unattractive to suitors and will be an old maid, so she should focus on her millinery., Text: Miss bonnet-builder, such a guy I never saw before, / Your bonny hair is a knob behind, your nose a knob before, / That your head’s a bonnet-block that of it maybe said, / Who would ever have a Valentine that is a blockhead, / So drop the thoughts of Valentines and attends to bonnet shapes, / For you are built for an old maid, in future to lead apes., Provenance: McAllister, John A. (John Allister), 1822-1896, collector.
A thin young man vomits in an alley. He holds a burning cigar in one hand. "Valambrosa's leaves" is a reference to ""Thick as autumnal leaves that strew the brooks / In Vallombrosa where Etrurian shades / High over-arch'd embower." in John Milton's "Paradise Lost.", Text: Vain, vapid youth, who, with cigar, / Upon the promenade a star / Of manhood would’st appear, / Think’st thou we know not what befalls, / When thou dost make such sudden calls / To by-ways dark and drear? / There, desperate qualms thy frame dismay / And tribute thou to earth dost pay / As Neptune oft receives, / When pale land-lubbers, reeling sick / Bestrews the waves with filth as thick / As “Valambrosa’s leaves.”, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man holds a gun in the countryside. His hat has fallen off and he appears to be losing his balance. The valentine suggests he is an inept hunter., Text: Now I’m sure it is a shame, / You should of harmless birds make game; / But in some cases it is true, / The little birds MAKE GAME of you., "No. 82", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A sailor stands with one hand in his pocket and the other holds a bottle. A ship is visible in the distance behind him. The sender criticizes the recipient for excessive drinking and laziness., Text: Now my jolly Sailor, / You are an idle, tippling dog, / O really will not wed you, / You are rather fond of Grog., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman wears a large crinoline, a cape, gloves and a hat with a snood. "Bean" can mean money., Text: Of Dandizetts you’re sure the Queen, The loveliest creature ever seen, / Your head so small and shape so fine, / Must make each bean your valentine., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman steps out of a door and reveals her petticoats under her crinoline. A sign behind her reads "To the Bank" and a man is standing next to the steps. The valentine suggests that the sight of her legs is embarassing to the people around her., Text: Oh! Daughter of fair mother Eve, / Your brothers all you sorely greive, / And give us each exceeding pain / To witness thus the curse of Cain. / ‘Tis surely not a modest sight / To have the legs thus brought to light., Provenance: Hlefand, William H..
A coachman wearing a hat and coat with epaulets stands by a carriage and holds a stick. "Monkey's share" can refer to the term monkey's money, meaning payment in kind., Text: Oh, dear me, you think yourself grand, / Standing et my lord’s door with stick in hand, / My lot with you I would not fix, / For the sight of you makes me feel sick, / Bowing here, scraping there / Sometimes you get the Monkey’s share., Cf. Valentine 15.42, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A coachman wearing a hat and coat with epaulets stands by a carriage and holds a stick. "Monkey's share" can refer to the term monkey's money, meaning payment in kind., Text: Oh, dear me, you think yourself grand, / Standing at my lord’s door with stick in hand, / My lot with you I would not fix, / For the sight of you makes me feel sick, / Bowing here, scraping there / Sometimes you get the Monkey’s share., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman with a hairy face and gap-toothed smile looks at her reflection in a mirror. The sender's parise is ironic., Text: Oh! Thou art my joy and my pride, / So delicate soft is thy skin: / Those blushes, my fair, never hide, / For fain I’d my Valentine win., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A bearded musician plays a violin. He is standing in front of a music stand. "Catgut" means a thick cord made from sheep intestines used for violin strings. The valentine mocks his lack of skill and suggests that he deserves to endure the punishment he inflicts on his neighbors., Text: “Music hath charms to sooth the breast,” / But cat-gut scraping spoils our rest. / Morning and night in neighbor’s spite, / You murder time and tune outright! / Your torture that poor old violin, / ‘t’ill the hottest place we wish you in!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man's head is attached to a barrel of gin. He is smoking an oversized cigar. The valentine criticizes the recipient's overconsumption of alcohol and tobacco and their poor effects on his health., Text: You pasty-faced unwholesome lout, / You’re always soaked with rotten gin, / And smell so rank of vile cigars, / To strangle you would be no sin. / You’ve drank and smoked until you’ve grown / A dried-up mummy lank and thin, / A sample of the dire effects / Of bad tobacco mixt with gin., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A cook wearing a bonnet holds a pot on a stove. She has a long pointed nose. The Valentine suggests she is too ugly to find love., Text: Goddess of the fries and stews, / To court the male sex ‘tis no use; / Your nose I’m sure is only fit / To make a kitchen roasting spit; / Then cut your foolish ways, pray do, / I’ll ne’er have a Valentine like you., Signed: Pickering., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A group of men are walking in the street. They wear coats and tophats and have elaborately styled facial hair. Several of the men link arms and one lifts his top hat on a cane. A moon in the sky is smiling., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A harness maker is seated in his workshop. "Harness repared' is written on the wall behind him and a crate marked "Beer" is filled with bottles., Text: You wretched old chap! You’re not worth a rap / You can’t sew a strap, so that it won’t snap: / You steal every scrap you can, but, mayhap / The Devil will clap you ‘fore long in his trap, / Old Chap!, Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A Hatter sits at his work bench, blocking a hat. Scissors and a bowl labeled "glue" are on the table in front of him. "Hat factory" and "Spoli your hat while you wait. 50c." are written on the wall behind him. "Tile" is slang for hat. The valentine suggests the hats he makes are of poor quality., Text: When a fellow from you buys a tile / You pretend that you give him the style, / But he quickly finds out when he wears it about / That you’re full of deception and guile. / The shape's out of date, the goods are fifth rate, / And his looks make beholders all smile., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman sits at a table with cards. A cat sits on the stool beside her. "Huffle" can mean long-winded talking. The cat's words suggest that the woman is wasting her time by trying to read her future in the cards., Text: “Hearts! At once, I plainly see, / It is hearts-ease meant for me; / Shall I gain my wish at last, / Ere my summer sun is past?” / Thus the dark one then replied, / Hovering by the lady’s side; / “Deal, my good lady, as you will, / You shuffle! And will huffle still.”, "182", Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A man wearing gloves, a top-hat, spats and a monocle is riding a horse. The bucking horse has caused him to drop his riding crop and his monocle has fallen out of his eye., Text: A holy show you are, indeed, / When mounted on your bony steed; / To see you ride in your queer style / Would almost make a dead man smile. / If you know how gawky you look, and green, / You would never again on a nag be seen., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A woman wears a large crinoline. Two small boys in the background mock her by saying "Hoop de doo den doo" and "Who's your Cooper?" One also places a basket on her skirt., Text: A hundred years ago they say, / Hoops were the fashion of the day, / They now completely stop the way. / Hoop de doo den doo. / As they sail along as fine, /In the day’s most busy time, / The passers by will CRY-NO-LINE! / Hoop de doo den doo. / I’m sure it must be van-i-ty, / That makes you so extrav-a-gant-ly / Dress that all the boys will cry, / Hoop de doo den doo. / “Who’s your Cooper” now they ask, / You roll along just like a Cask, / And getting by you is a task, / (with your) Hoop de doo-den doo., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
A sailor sits cross-legged and holds scissors. A large cabbage is visible under his seat. "Cabbage" refers to the cloth leftover after making a garment. "Goose" is a name for an iron, whose name comes from its goose-neck handle. "Nine mean agianst one" references the saying that nine tailors equal one man., Text: Hurra! For the Races, I’m off on my steed. / I’ll lift all the Sweepstakes when put to my speed. / Nine men against One, who would hope to eclipse / A Tailor who’s armed with tapes, yard stick & snips. / I’m sharp as my needle, and not to be done / Of my Cabbage which follows where ever I run. / Tho’ the thimble-rig fellows, may try to humbug, / I’ll shoulder my lap-board, and sit on my rug. / In defiance of all whether light laced or loose / Who objects to a Tailor for riding his Goose., Provenance: Helfand, William H..
